How to be a messianic tech bro overlord

ARE you a Silicon Valley zealot reshaping the world in your inhuman image? Include all these in your 3.0 version build: 

Have a mission

Your mission is to transform the world. Beginning with a more efficient way of leveraging internet microtransactions, but ending by looking out onto a utopia you’ve created merely by taking away humanity’s free will. You’re not afraid dream.

Wear the same thing every day

Explain to journalists that your wardrobe of hundreds of identical grey T-shirts and pairs of jeans frees up valuable milliseconds per day. Gloss over whatever happened in your childhood to make you this way. One day everyone will wear what you wear, and be happier.

Be into a high-octane extreme sport

Develop a niche obsession with Venezuelan juego del garrote fighting that requires its own coach alongside your existing personal trainer. Instruct them both to follow you in discreet black outfits and headsets, giving you Kardashian-level celebrity but without the curves and sequins.

Appear regularly on stage with a headset

You can’t be a tech overlord without launching stuff on a regular basis. To launch things, you need a headset and the ability to pace up and down a stage talking intensely about your radical world view.

Be paranoid

You see further ahead than the huddled masses, so commission your bunker complex in New Zealand complete with private plane to fly you and your entourage there when civilisation melts down. Or when you’re facing an inconvenient hearing about your product neurologically disabling children’s moral centres.

Post cryptic shit on Twitter

Despite a full diary of top-level meetings, post on Twitter about how crypto is the future and puzzling statements such as ‘the metaverse means that the Singularity is approaching.’ When you finally post ‘My nanos are released. Humanity is to become a connected hive mind’ nobody will even give a shit.

Openly plan to abandon the planet

Make it clear from the beginning Earth isn’t enough for you. Send missions to Mars, Venus and an asteroid you’ve had made into a replica of your head. Tell press conferences ‘In 2039, three lucky female employees of child-bearing age will leave the planet for new lives in the TechCranium, alongside myself and William Shatner.’

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Wifi strength improved by living virtuous life, Britain told

THE reliability of your home’s internet connection can be improved through good deeds and pure thoughts, senior UK church members said today. 

The Church of England revealed that God punishes the wanton and wayward of his flock with slow download speeds and intermittent connections, but the path to redemption grants a signal as steady as His grace.

Denys Finch Hatton, the Bishop of Rochester, said: “The quality of wifi may seem, to the secular, completely random. A mere quirk of location and bandwidth.

“But, following consultation with fellow churchmen and ancient scriptures, we have discovered that it is actually predicated on the strength of your spiritual connection to the Lord. How often you go to church, helping the elderly, and so on.

“Virtue is not solely rewarded in the afterlife but right here and now, where those with Jesus in their hearts may stream Stranger Things in Ultra HD even while a teenager plays Forza over Xbox Live.

“Of course, if you use your connection to watch porn, God knows even in Incognito and shall throttle your internet until it is no better than a 56k modem on Freeserve in 2002.”

Following the announcement, Chief Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis told Britain’s Jewish population that keeping kosher gives your phone five bars even in rural areas.