I am utterly pathetic, says nagging voice in iPhone queuer's head

THE inner voice of a man queueing for the new iPhone is telling him that he needs to get his shit together.

38-year-old Tom Booker spent the night on the pavement of Oxford Street in the hope of purchasing a communication device.

Booker said: “I’m all about the 5S, with its awesome finger scanner.

“Even if it has sold out before I get one, this is still a memorable experience – there’s a real magic in the air.”

However the nagging voice of Logan’s subconscious mind told him: “What the fucking hell am I doing here?

“It all feels so wrong. How did my life end up like this?

“I am such a pathetic dupe, queueing like some Dickensian orphan for my dollop of corporate techno-gruel.

“If only I had a bit more self-esteem I might be able to resist the marketing.”

Logan continued: “Apple is more than just a brand, it’s a way of life, it’s inspirational.”

Meanwhile the voice in his head said: “I’m going to buy it, take it home, open it, tinker with it for a bit, and still my existence will have no meaning.

“I should be helping children in Africa or something. Somewhere in life I chose the wrong path, the stupid path.”

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Dog friendships last under 30 seconds

DOGS generally fall out within less than half a minute of befriending each other, it has been claimed.

Border collie Tom Logan expressed frustration at being unable to make a new acquaintance in the park without it suddenly turning hostile for no apparent reason.

Logan said: “The first 15 seconds of meeting another dog are always great. Loads of tail wagging, furtive sniffing and running around in circles.

“Then just as it all seems to be going great – bam – we’re trying to tear each others throats out.

“Every time some invisible boundary gets crossed. I don’t know, it must be some hierarchy thing.”

English bulldog Emma Bradford said: “Last week I met this Yorkshire terrier and at first we were getting along famously.

“But shit got very weird, very quickly. It was like we experienced every type of emotion – fear, hope, love, lust, hatred – in under a minute.

“We ended up being dragged apart. I kept looking back, straining at my leash and growling, desperate to bite his legs off.

“I don’t know why this always happens. I’m fine with kids and cats.”