Dawkins memoir leaves out bit about Zeus creating him from clay

RICHARD Dawkins’s autobiography controversially omits his creation by lightning on the slopes of Mount Olympus.

An Appetite For Wonder contains no mention of Dawkins’s real father Zeus, who shaped him from the very ground and gave him life by summoning a thunderbolt from the heavens.

Zeus said: “It’s true that I wasn’t always around for him when I was a kid, and perhaps I did dally with other mortal women in the form of a bull but I was very stressed at work.

“But I gave him the Pegasus on his 17th birthday, and did I get any thanks?

“No, I got some lecture about how a horse with wings was a childish idea from a primitive belief system and completely invalidated theories of genetic drift.”

Zeus is particularly angry that his demigod son has failed to acknowledge his gifts of imagination from Apollo, technical skill from Hephaestus, and Doctor Who actress Lalla Ward from Aphrodite.

Dawkins said: “I consider the man who raised me to be my real father, not some bearded bolt-thrower who was always too busy impregnating princesses as a shower of golden rain to help with my science homework.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t honour my heritage, and I’m proceeding with our divine plan as agreed. Part one, the smear campaign against all the monotheistic religions is on schedule.

“And we’re looking at spring 2015 for part two: bring the Greek pantheon back with a bang and get all my Twitter followers sacrificing goats again.”

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Most Britons to end up living in drunk tanks

MILLIONS of Britons will soon exist in a daily cycle of work, pub, drunk tank.

Police have backed the use of privately run ‘drunk tanks’ as they would rather deal with criminals than people who go “whoop whoop” with their trousers down.

However experts believe that many Britons would eventually end up moving their possessions into a drunk tank.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Most people are straight in the pub after work, then return home late to an angry spouse.

“Also spiralling rents mean that £400 a night for a personal drunk tank is cheaper than a bedsit in Haringey.”

Police sources have revealed plans for nationwide chains of drunk tanks in communist-style blocks, with brands including Holiday Drunk, Tipsy Palace and Hotel Nausea.

Beer fan Wayne Haynes praised a pilot scheme in Carlisle: “I couldn’t afford a flat but now I’ve got my own tank with toilet, wash basin, and a free puzzle magazine.

“They bring you a microwave lasagne and a bucket around 3am. Also a lady checks through the slot in the door to see that I’m not dead, which is excellent customer service.

“It’s like living in a service apartment where the concierges are police, and I just stick the fees on my credit card.

“And while I’m at work a man comes in and hoses the walls down.

“Best of all the neighbours are either drunk or comatose so I can sing as loud as I want.”