Software updates cursed by evil leprechaun

A WICKED leprechaun has cursed all of mankind’s software updates to fail dismally. 

After Apple’s iOS 7 launch misfired, it emerged that all attempts to release new versions of software are subject to a supernatural curse.

Computer folklorist Emma Bradford said: “There was once a wicked leprechaun called Seamus, who worked as a programmer making ZX Spectrum games in the 80s.

“However he was sacked for creating a perverted game called Dirty Princess.

“The little man retaliated by putting a curse on mankind that no software could be ever be updated without it turning into a massive balls up.

“And so it came to pass.”

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Rooney ponders the nature of happiness

WAYNE Rooney has questioned the nature of existence in a 45-minute speech following a Champions League game.

When asked if he was happy at with his current club, Rooney speculated on whether man can ever truly be happy when he knows the only certainties are death and United winning a penalty when they play at Old Trafford.

He continued: “To achieve a goal, or indeed to score 200 of them, is to make that goal worthless. Especially against a shithouse side like Bayern Leverkusen.

“The inner self is the only constant reality. The material world is a palace of illusions where nothing is true and therefore everything is permitted, as I tell Coleen whenever the Sunday newspapers catch me with an escort girl.”

The club has a history of philosophising, notably when Eric Cantona left the team to wander the East learning Buddhism and practicing his kung fu skills on thugs menacing innocent villagers.

Fans fear Rooney could go the same way as he’s already got the headband.

Veteran player Bryan Robson said: “What Wayne needs to do is focus on the game, give 110 per cent and leave the question of whether he’s a man dreaming he’s a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming he’s a man until after the match, or preferably the close season.”

Rooney concluded by telling reporters: “The man who chases happiness will never find it. The wise man sits and waits for the bluebird of happiness to settle upon his finger.

“That said, I fucking hate that ginger twat Moyes for not letting me move to Chelsea.”