Independent Scotland will not be allowed to use British oxygen

BRITISH oxygen molecules that drift into an independent Scotland must be sent back immediately, it has been claimed.

A deafening klaxon will sound very time some oxygen passes over this wall

A deafening klaxon will sound every time some oxygen passes over this wall

The leaders of the three main political parties warned that an independent Scotland would have no automatic right to use Britain’s sovereign gases.

Prime minister, David Cameron, said: “If the Scottish Nationalists think there is going to be a free flow of gases back and forth across the border then it’s obvious they know very little about the nature of gas.

“Gases like to stay put. In much the same way as water.”

Nick Clegg, the self-styled ‘deputy prime minister’, said: “I would prefer to breathe Franco-German oxygen. I also think that Scottish people should breathe Franco-German oxygen, I just don’t think they should be allowed to breathe British oxygen if they’re not British anymore.

“So, anyway, that’s what I think.”

Meanwhile, Labour’s Ed Miliband warned: “We’ll know if you’ve breathed our oxygen because, when we get it back, it won’t be oxygen anymore. It’ll be carbon dioxide.

“I used to be the energy minister, so I’m basically a scientist.”

Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: “Oh well, that’s that. You can’t just ‘make’ oxygen. Or maybe you can.

“I’ve really no idea.”