Mourinho working on metaphor that’ll blow Man City away

JOSE Mourinho is preparing a metaphor so apt that Manchester City will be unable to defend against it.

The Chelsea boss has locked himself in his office with a copy of I.A. Richard’s The Philosophy of Rhetoric and a copy of the league table.

Man City and Chelsea meet in a top-of-the-table FA Cup clash on Saturday afternoon. While Manuel Pellegrini has been focused on tactical walkthroughs and set pieces, his opposite number has taken a more cerebral approach.

Our source at Stamford Bridge said: “Jose’s working on the ultimate metaphor. When he finds it, Man City will have no answer, and not just because a metaphor doesn’t demand one syntactically.

“The team haven’t seen Jose in days except when he occasionally pokes his head out his office door to demand a copy of Homer’s Odyssey or a Twix.

“But you can hear him scribbling notes, mumbling wry witticisms and occasionally laughing at his own whimsy.”

It is rumoured that Mourinho’s metaphor will liken Manchester City unfavourably to tragic mythological figure Icarus while comparing his own side to either Sir Bruce Forsyth, a guava or the combustion engine.

When coaching FC Porto, Mourinho sent Benfica tearfully running from the pitch with a superbly-crafted derogatory poem, and earlier this season he secured a battling draw at Arsenal with a smoothly executed double entendre.

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Parents 'must have tattoos of children's names'

NEW guidelines will give social workers the power to take children into care if their parents do not have tattoos of their names.

The redefinition of good parenting has been welcomed by modern mums and dads who believe getting inked with a name and date of birth is the key part of raising a child.

Mother of four Emma Bradford said: “I can’t always be there for my kids, especially during my annual three-week rave holiday to Ibiza.

“But they’re with me via their names being written in curly script on my neck, and unlike packed lunches or clean clothes that is permanent.”

Stephen Malley of Stoke-on-Trent agreed: “Any soft lad can patiently teach their kids to read, but a real man goes through the pain barrier and gets ‘Kyle 24-1-11’ written on his ribcage.

“Accompanied, of course, by a bad picture of the kid that makes it look like a Cabbage Patch Doll.

Social worker Francesca Johnson said: “”Quite apart from the fact that these blank-fleshed parents clearly aren’’t proud of their children, there are practical problems.

““If you don’’t have your daughter’’s name written on your body, how are we to know she’’s yours? She could be anyone’’s, so our procedure is to take them into care until we find out.

“It’s all about taking responsibility, in the way that diligent dog owners have a tattoo of their Staffordshire bull terrier on their neck for identification purposes.”