Weathermen encouraged to lie

BRITONS would prefer it if television weather presenters gave them false hope.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I just want to see bright yellow suns all over a map of the British Isles, while a man in a suit tells me things will be alright.

“I don’t care if he’s lying, I just need something I can cling to for 24 hours.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “Frankly I don’t give a toss if these people have spent ten years at weather school.

“I don’t want them giving me the depressing truth. Frankly to do so is just self-indulgent.

“Just be my friend, that’s what telly’s for.”

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Theme parks contain no actual dinosaurs or pirates

THERE is not a single real dinosaur or pirate in any of Britain’s theme parks, it has emerged.

Researchers found that despite bold claims to the contrary, no tourist destination in the UK could muster a real seagoing thief or giant prehistoric lizard.

Leisure analyst Mary Fisher said: “You are led to believe these places will have dinosaurs and pirates but they don’t.

“One flyer for Exmouth World of Fun baldly states ‘Meet a T-rex and sail with swashbuckling Captain Heartless the pirate’.

“The dinosaurs were cheap automatons with limited jerky movements and their ‘pirate’ was an actor who I’ve seen doing a small role in daytime soap Doctors.

“An advert for a sad farm park in Wales says in jazzy writing ‘Go back to the Jurassic age in our dino garden’ and ‘Pirates!’

“In this case the ‘pirate’ was just a picture of a pirate while the dinosaurs were made of clay and looked more like dogs.”

An estimated 98% of UK tourist attractions use the promise of dinosaurs and pirates to attract young children.

Fisher said: “Having visited every theme park in the UK I can only conclude that dinosaurs have actually died out.

“It’s gutting.”