THE internet is to be cut from 640 million websites to 97 multi-purpose pages.
To make cyberspace more manageable by governments, the current sprawl of Gangnam Style and modified vaginas will be deleted in favour of a functional net that can be read by a policeman in less than four hours.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “There will be one blog, edited by a committee of idiots and read by no-one. Meanwhile, all the shops have been replaced with Amazon, which simply saves five years of market forces.
“Rather than several billion Tweets there will just be one saying Justin Bieber is a eunuch and another one from Caitlin Moran to Chris Addison about meeting Giles Coren for a drink. We havent bothered replacing Facebook. Obviously.”
Just seven of the edited pages will feature pornography after research found that the seemingly-infinite spectrum of sexuality actually involves doing eight things to five holes.
Any further additions to the internet will be agreed by international agencies on a one-in, one-out system, with any future boybands replacing the current page showing One Direction forming a human pyramid.
The current internet will be switched off on 31 January and Brubaker has advised people to take down their recipes, holiday photos and opinions and keep them in a shoebox at home where they have always belonged.
He added: “Any further questions will be answered on the internet’s sole news page, which is going to be the Daily Mail because that’s the one you fuckers chose.”