APPLE’S revolutionary iPad 2 has been launched on its inevitable
trajectory towards a big stinking crater full of broken and rotting things.
The company said customers will not believe how quickly its newest desirable machine will perform basic functions like browsing, photograph sorting and being buried in a filthy hole.
An Apple spokesman said: “iPad 2 is made even more beautiful by its sheer impermanence. Like a square butterfly made from aluminium and plastic.
“Within 18 months it’ll be noticeably slower to turn on, the innovative touch screen will have tiny, beautiful cracks and a layer of stubborn finger grease that is a mixture of sweat, crumbs and other bodily secretions.
“Very soon after that, a big noisy lorry will be tipping your iPad 2 into a wet pit where a soiled nappy will slowly smear its contents down the now beautifully abandoned face.
“Then filthy bull-necked seagulls will fight over an old Pickled Onion Space Raiders packet as your iPad 2 slowly submerges into the bottomless mulch of stinking detritus. Possibly with a used sanitary towel stuck to its ergonomically-inspired back panel.”
He added: “Like everything you will ever love, especially anything with complicated circuitry, iPad 2 will soon be a dead husk whose memory is increasingly blurred by your own dimming perception. For this is the way and the cycle of things.
“Well ‘cycle’ is perhaps the wrong word considering the iPad 2 won’t disintegrate for another trillion years. But rest assured the iPad 2 will be an inspiration for other shinier, equally captivating devices, at least until the oil runs out and the world ends in a massive orgy of blood.”
Tom Logan, who drives a digger at a landfill site, said: “I hope the iPad is compatible with broken glass and faeces.
“This is a great place to work. I once saw a human arm.”