iPad 2 begins beautifully designed journey towards landfill

APPLE’S revolutionary iPad 2 has been launched on its inevitable
trajectory towards a big stinking crater full of broken and rotting things.

The company said customers will not believe how quickly its newest desirable machine will perform basic functions like browsing, photograph sorting and being buried in a filthy hole.

An Apple spokesman said: “iPad 2 is made even more beautiful by its sheer impermanence. Like a square butterfly made from aluminium and plastic.

“Within 18 months it’ll be noticeably slower to turn on, the innovative touch screen will have tiny, beautiful cracks and a layer of stubborn finger grease that is a mixture of sweat, crumbs and other bodily secretions.

“Very soon after that, a big noisy lorry will be tipping your iPad 2 into a wet pit where a soiled nappy will slowly smear its contents down the now beautifully abandoned face.

“Then filthy bull-necked seagulls will fight over an old Pickled Onion Space Raiders packet as your iPad 2 slowly submerges into the bottomless mulch of stinking detritus. Possibly with a used sanitary towel stuck to its ergonomically-inspired back panel.”

He added: “Like everything you will ever love, especially anything with complicated circuitry, iPad 2 will soon be a dead husk whose memory is increasingly blurred by your own dimming perception. For this is the way and the cycle of things.

“Well ‘cycle’ is perhaps the wrong word considering the iPad 2 won’t disintegrate for another trillion years. But rest assured the iPad 2 will be an inspiration for other shinier, equally captivating devices, at least until the oil runs out and the world ends in a massive orgy of blood.”

Tom Logan, who drives a digger at a landfill site, said: “I hope the iPad is compatible with broken glass and faeces.

“This is a great place to work. I once saw a human arm.”

 

 

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Religious bigots deny racism

SCOTTISH football fans have insisted their bigotry begins and ends with the precise manner in which someone worships Christ.

Brazil’s Neymar was subjected to prolonged booing during Scotland’s traditional arse-handing but it is believed this was due to confusion over which church he attends.

A Scottish FA spokesman  said: “The protestants thought he was Papist scum while the Catholics were unsure about his commitment to achieving a united Ireland through terrorist violence.

“If he turns out to be Muslim or Buddhist then we’ll issue an unreserved apology along with a cheerful comment about how much we all love a curry.”

He added: “It’s upsetting that he thought we were being racist as our fans are famous for being jolly and friendly and too drunk to remember where they left their machetes.”

The spokesman also denied a banana was thrown at Neymar insisting it was probably sneaked into a fan’s packed lunch and then thrown away in terror and confusion by someone who has never encountered fruit.

But Neymar said: “You don’t see this kind of thing in my country amongst adults who have managed to avoid being killed by police death squads. And when we eventually get around to electing a black president I’m sure he’ll denounce stuff like this.”

The SFA hopes to rebuild Scotland’s reputation when they face Wales in Cardiff for their opening match in the Nations Conquered by The English Cup.

The spokesman added: “It should be a cracking atmosphere as 70,000 Catholics, Presbyterians and Methodists scream abuse at each other over something that happened in a field 300 years ago.”