Britain prefers anarchists to Miliband

BURNING Fortnum and Mason to the ground is a more credible alternative to the budget cuts than Ed Miliband, a survey has found.

In the wake of Saturday’s anti-cuts flounce, 42% backed the government, 5% said ‘don’t know’ and 53% said they would like to set fire to an overpriced food shop and throw a breeze-block at a five star hotel.

Helen Archer, from Peterborough, said: “I’m an anarchist now.  Like the Labour Party, anarchism is inherently destructive but at least it’s backed up with an actual set of ideas.

“The trade unionists were saying that all the rich people should be taxed more, but, as my five year-old daughter pointed out, ‘if we tax the rich people as much as that mummy, they’ll just fuck off to Hong Kong’.

“But even though the trade unions are stupid and wrong and their leaders are fat, nauseating, chauffeur-driven hypocrites, at least they’re saying something.

“Meanwhile Ed Miliband seems to think that somehow I don’t notice.”

Architect Nathan Muir added: “I have swithered over how far and how fast we should cut, but now I just want to go to London every month and kick the fuck out of some famous shops.

“I am also opposed in principal to authority of any kind and believe the nation state is a barrier to human progress, but it’s the kicking fuck out of stuff that really speaks to me.

“And I would also loot shit loads of that anchovy paste in the little white tubs. It’s lush.”

Meanwhile economists confirmed that wrecking the centre of a major city every four weeks would create more employment than a 2% cut in corporation tax and everyone would have a brilliant time.

Julian Cook, from Donnelly McPartlin,  said: “Unemployed glaziers, joiners and painters and decorators could all throw on a bandana, smash the fuck out of Top Shop and then repair it the following week. Meanwhile it would make great telly and Top Shop could sponsor it.”

Last night the government said it would listen closely to the demonstrators’ demands before pledging to abolish the 50p tax  rate and give a free back rub to Britain’s 500 cruellest millionaires.



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AA repairmen still can't resist having a pop

ROADSIDE repairmen are still unable to fix your car without making some snide comment, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that over 97% of repairmen working for roadside breakdown companies could not manage to repair a vehicle without at least one condescending remark.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Typically the repairman will speak to the broken down person as if he or she is the owner of a badly undernourished pet, adopt a moralising tone and ask a lot of rhetorical questions like, ‘that plug looks a bit like a chimneysweep’s finger, doesn’t it?’ or ‘that looks corroded to me, does it look corroded to you?’.

“The stranded driver generally just has to stand there and take it – like a bitch – while making the odd murmur about having been a bit busy to get it serviced.

“Perhaps it’s because a high-visibility jacket instantly confers authority on the wearer that we accept this so meekly when in fact all the repairman actually needs to do is fix it and then fuck off.

“Perhaps for an extra £10 a year the breakdown companies could issue a ‘fix it and fuck off’ card which you could brandish the moment the words ‘oh dear’ begin to creep out of his smug, working class face.”

Motorist Stephen Malley said: “How would they like it if they had erectile dysfunction and I was the only guy in a hundred mile radius with Viagra and I wouldn’t let them have any until I’d chastised them about the state of the veins facilitating blood flow to their penis?”

AA man Bill McKay said: “Actually I do have erectile dysfunction and was also teased at school because of a misshapen belly button that looks like a teddy bear’s nose.

“It’s these things that compelled me to learn much more about cars than you will ever know and make you look like a child in front of your stranded, vulnerable wife.”