GEOFF Boycott is to open Yorkshire’s larget psychotherapy clinic, with a pledge to cure a patient every eight seconds.
Treatments will include sock-pulling-up lessons and an automated face-slapping machine that will simultaneously shake patients by the shoulders while buying them a pint of bitter.
Boycott said: “You might be an absolute bloody disgrace of a man right now, but I promise I can stop you from crying like some old grannie and do it with my eyes shut.
“Before you know it, you’ll be burying all those useless feelings under a steady diet of alcohol and bluster about car maintenance.
“I’m no psychiatrist, as every scrap of evidence clearly points to, but I do know that there’s nothing that can’t be cured by taking the dog for a walk while somebody tells you to pack it in because you’re a damned embarrassment to the game.”
The Geoffrey Boycott Depansification Clinic will not treat women because who really wants to listen to some bloody female going on about her emotional void and her dodgy waterworks?
But psychiatrist Dr Nikki Hollis said: “Boycott should try to understand that not everybody is from Yorkshire and as such may not have an unshakeable and wholly unjustified belief in their own brilliance.
“Most humans are prey to bouts of introspection and self-doubt rather than loudly telling anybody who’ll listen that they come from the greatest piece of land on the planet and that therefore, by some inexplicable transitive property, they are also unquestionably superb.
“Depression is a complex and debilitating illness that sometimes requires therapy and medication rather than simply grinding out an unbeaten 152 against Worcestershire.”