Maths teachers weird

BRITAIN’S maths teachers are freaks, it has emerged.

New research by the Institute for Studies has found that not a single one of them is properly right in the head and they are all odd in completely different ways.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It has been said that people become teachers when they have, on some level, failed as a human.

“In the case of maths teacher, it is more because they have failed to be human.

“If these people didn’t have an overhead projector and some quadratic equations, they’d either be in a windowless cellar setting fire to their chest hair or doing something unspeakable on a bus.”

Professor Brubaker cited the example of Mrs Ellis, who recently told her class that she was once married to Daley Thompson, and that one of her 43 cats is the current incarnation of the actor Roger Vaughn, who isn’t even dead.

He said: “She banned Helix Shatterproof rulers in her classroom because she reckons they contain ghosts.

“And she told a group of 13 year-olds that she got daisy-chained by Mott the Hoople when she was glam rock editor for the Sunday Express.”

He added: “Another example is Mr Malley, who collects golliwogs and has a draggy leg that he says is from an injury in Vietnam.

“He invited some female pupils to his council house after school, and paid them £5 each to paint their faces ochre while he sat in the bath wearing an oxygen mask.

“And that, I can assure you, is the tip of the iceberg.”



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BBC admits it hasn't really nailed it since Ceefax

CEEFAX was probably the last really good thing the BBC did, the director general has admitted.

Speaking to the Radio Times, Tony Hall said the embattled broadcaster needed to recapture the magic of soothing text-based pages that use very crude bits of animation to depict things like a dog wagging its tail.

He said: “The way I see it is this. Waking The Dead – shit. The One Show – shit. Call the Midwife, Hairy Bikers, The Dancing Thing – shit, shit, shit.

“Ceefax – fucking wicked.

“This afternoon I watched a pilot for a grisly cop drama with James Nesbitt and that ginger bird from Doctor Who. Apparently it cost about four hundred, maybe five hundred grand, something like that.

“There were lots of explosions, moody autopsies and a bit of tit, but all the time I’m thinking, ‘this is bollocks compared to Ceefax’.

“Ceefax haunts me, I tell you – it’s like Banquo’s ghost or something.

“It has this innate poetry, even when it’s just randomly-selected pages of puzzles, weather news and a children’s story about a space rocket trip with a spaniel called Robin. It all makes such perfect sense.

“Like a babbling brook on a sunny day, Ceefax is complete and beautiful, it asks nothing and expects nothing in return.

“Also, I’m sorry for using the phrase ‘Banquo’s ghost’ earlier because I know that 94% of you will have no idea what I’m talking about which means I have broken the credo of the television executive.

“And look, now I’ve used the word ‘credo’ and you’re all going ‘credo? what the fuck’s a credo when it’s at home?’.”

He added: “I don’t know… I saw an advert today – eighteen and a half grand to drive a bus. I might go for that. At least it’s something real, d’you know what I mean?”