Maths teachers weird

BRITAIN’S maths teachers are freaks, it has emerged.

'You are here to learn about me'

New research by the Institute for Studies has found that not a single one of them is properly right in the head and they are all odd in completely different ways.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It has been said that people become teachers when they have, on some level, failed as a human.

“In the case of maths teacher, it is more because they have failed to be human.

“If these people didn’t have an overhead projector and some quadratic equations, they’d either be in a windowless cellar setting fire to their chest hair or doing something unspeakable on a bus.”

Professor Brubaker cited the example of Mrs Ellis, who recently told her class that she was once married to Daley Thompson, and that one of her 43 cats is the current incarnation of the actor Roger Vaughn, who isn’t even dead.

He said: “She banned Helix Shatterproof rulers in her classroom because she reckons they contain ghosts.

“And she told a group of 13 year-olds that she got daisy-chained by Mott the Hoople when she was glam rock editor for the Sunday Express.”

He added: “Another example is Mr Malley, who collects golliwogs and has a draggy leg that he says is from an injury in Vietnam.

“He invited some female pupils to his council house after school, and paid them £5 each to paint their faces ochre while he sat in the bath wearing an oxygen mask.

“And that, I can assure you, is the tip of the iceberg.”