Legal high industry running out of names

THE legal high industry is facing crisis as the stock of cool names for drugs approaches exhaustion.

With more than 280 legal highs launched in the last 12 months, including Sharky Smile, Superbucket and Mondo Mondo, creators of highs are threatening a strike unless new names are developed.

Chemist Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve been working for the last 18 months on a legal high that transforms users’ genitals into harmonic pleasure crystals and, crucially, leaves them in control of their bowels.

“Now I’m told by the EU Legal High Commission that the only available names for it are Wooden Friend and Wales at Sunset.

“Apparently all the funky Aztec-sounding names and variations on the word ‘cosmic’ are already registered. I can’t even have ‘Mega Mule’.”

The drugs name crisis has already hit the US, where a substance that permanently destroys higher brain functions and turns users into zombies was named Bath Salts.

A spokesman for the EU’s legal high team said: “Clearly if you’re selling something under the pretence that it’s plant food, it needs to be called Extreme Midnight Mamba to tip people off.

“But while drug users think they have exceptional imaginations they actually all go on about the same boring shit, which is why I have 43 submitted highs on my desk under the name Neon Space Donkey. And that’s just today.”

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London property market based on people pretending grim places are great

A SHIT flat in London now costs £500,000 thanks to widespread delusion about whether a property is really depressing.

Property prices in the capital are rocketing as people behave like a structurally unsound ex-council flat in a post-industrial wasteland is a spectacular place to live.

34-year-old Emma Bradford said: “I feel great about paying over £500k for a flat with no windows because it is quite near a Zone 12 train station, at least if I walk via the underpass – a journey with an impressive 34% survival rate.

“A cynical person could draw attention to the way some of the inner walls are made of cardboard but there are huge pluses like a bagel shop.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Buying a place in London is a bit like organising a wedding – everything is absurdly expensive and not what you really want, but you just have to suck it up because it’s all so bloody brilliant.”

Account executive Julian Cook said: “When I visited a friend in Leicester last month, which of course is an absolute joke of a city, I couldn’t help noticing their house had quite a lot of rooms in it.

“But how would I live without all the art galleries I never visit, my four-hour daily commute, being groped on the Tube, black snot, getting mugged for my iPhone, and my upstairs neighbour’s regular all-night dubstep sessions?

“Hey wait –  am I getting totally and utterly fucked over? Because my London estate agent seemed like a really great, honest guy.”