Britain’s top aggro destinations revealed

A TOURISM body has produced a list of Britain’s best destinations for aggressive, anti-social behaviour.

After releasing a picnic spot guide, Visit England has listed places in which to fight, goad animals or loudly tell your children to get fucked.

A spokesman said: “Our new list is a must for anyone wanting a completely dysfunctional day out. Britain is full of wonderful places to vandalise and friendly locals to intimidate.

“Unsurprisingly, Blackpool scored highly, thanks to its fantastic array of pubs where you can get into a fight at any time of the day. And of course there’s the beach if you fancy an invigorating piss in the sea.

“For those preferring the countryside, we’d recommend places like Avebury, with its fascinating collection of standing stones you can attempt to push over, or just draw cocks on.”

The list also contains family-friendly destinations such as isolated car parks where children could hang around aimlessly and damage cars with a football.

“And if you’re into dogging, Brentwood in Essex is perfect for people who like to watch men having sex with women who also look like men.”

Visit England is also compiling a guide to anti-social activity holidays, such as kicking down dry stone walls that Guardian readers have just rebuilt.

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Moths struggling with light addiction

LIGHT addiction is leaving thousands of moths unable live normal lives.

New research has found that moths are particularly unable to resist street lamps as they get totally fucked up on the spectrum of wavelengths.

Moth Tom Booker said: “The feeling I get from light is like a warm, immersive bath. My wings are soft and weightless, like I’m floating, and all my worries are gone.

“I know I should be off mating or getting food but I just can’t stop myself going near glowing things.

“When I’m basking in electric light everything is amazing. But then it gets switched off and I feel cold inside, I need more light but I don’t know where to get it.

“I just want someone to lock me in a pitch dark room for a couple of week so I can get on top of this.”

Leopard moth Roy Hobbs recently completed a period of ‘dark turkey’ during which he was buried underground in a matchbox.

He said: “I’m ok right now but it’s one day at a time.

“Some of my friends are still like ‘hey, let’s go into town and hit some bulbs’ but I’m into more positive things now, like mating and getting tangled up in net curtains.”