Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No, when you can’t be arsed to drag your carcass out of bed to sign on, it’s not ‘writer’s block’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Buddhists teach us to ‘live in the now’, but with a life like yours it’s more like ‘live in the why?’

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you’re troubled by unexpected utility bills, rather than using a payday loan company why not buy a fucking calendar?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Thank you for the days, those endless days those sacred days you gave me. Could have done without the herpes, though.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
He’s crouched in your garden, back covered in scrubbing brushes and a mouth full of worms…work pressures are really taking their toll on your husband.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
24 days until the nights start getting longer again. Ticktock go the frittered years of your life. Still, you saw that dog poo out a rubber band that time. So there’s that.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Every Sunday evening you iron five crisp, white shirts, pick up your suit from the dry cleaners and polish your shoes. Want to look your best for 9am Monday morning when Wetherspoons opens.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Let me be absolutely clear on one thing. Because I’m going to be all vague and mystic and generally shit about everything else.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Have you tried switching it off then switching it on again? I’ll be honest, I’m no expert on life-support machines.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Say what you like about freedom of speech.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your boss uses the phrase ‘passive aggressive’ incorrectly but no really, you’ll just put up with it, that’s fine.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A lot of people are rushing to judge UKIP just because of their words, actions, beliefs, members and leadership.

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Drunk man at bar not lying about being a surgeon

THE pisshead you met at the weekend was telling the truth when he claimed to be a top surgeon.

As statistics show that operations at weekends are more dangerous, it emerged that the very drunk stranger you chatted to in the pub wasn’t lying about being a medical professional.

A British Medical Association spokesman said: “It’s quite common when in the pub to meet a middle-aged man, slurring and with bits of crisp stuck to his shirt, who claims to be a brain surgeon or something.

“You naturally assume he is bullshitting to look impressive and that he actually works part-time in a warehouse while living on alone on a diet of Rustlers burgers.

“Actually only the last bit is true. He is actually the man whose job is to make you not die.

“If you’re looking at people’s insides all day you need a pretty stiff drink at the end of it.”

Surgeon Julian Cook said: “I try to limit myself to three pints if I’m operating the following day, because manipulating human organs is the last thing you want to be doing with a hangover – it’s instant barf time.

“Still I end up getting smashed most nights. The trick to working while ‘under the weather’ is to imagine you’re playing the board game ‘Operation’ and that a buzzer’s going to go off if you drop a lung on the floor.”