Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No, when you can’t be arsed to drag your carcass out of bed to sign on, it’s not ‘writer’s block’.

bobinsideCancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Buddhists teach us to ‘live in the now’, but with a life like yours it’s more like ‘live in the why?’

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you’re troubled by unexpected utility bills, rather than using a payday loan company why not buy a fucking calendar?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Thank you for the days, those endless days those sacred days you gave me. Could have done without the herpes, though.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
He’s crouched in your garden, back covered in scrubbing brushes and a mouth full of worms…work pressures are really taking their toll on your husband.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
24 days until the nights start getting longer again. Ticktock go the frittered years of your life. Still, you saw that dog poo out a rubber band that time. So there’s that.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Every Sunday evening you iron five crisp, white shirts, pick up your suit from the dry cleaners and polish your shoes. Want to look your best for 9am Monday morning when Wetherspoons opens.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Let me be absolutely clear on one thing. Because I’m going to be all vague and mystic and generally shit about everything else.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Have you tried switching it off then switching it on again? I’ll be honest, I’m no expert on life-support machines.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Say what you like about freedom of speech.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Your boss uses the phrase ‘passive aggressive’ incorrectly but no really, you’ll just put up with it, that’s fine.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
A lot of people are rushing to judge UKIP just because of their words, actions, beliefs, members and leadership.