Mars a gigantic concept album

GROOVES in the surface of Mars have proved the planet is a giant record made by self-indulgent alien musicians.

Scientists were initially puzzled by the mysterious concentric furrows on the planet’s surface. But by using a NASA space drill as a crude stylus, they were able to ‘play’ Mars.

A NASA spokesman said: “The planet itself is a musical message from an advanced species that is really into drugs.”

“Mars sounds kind of ambient with crazy horns and gong sounds. I’d give it three out of five.”

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NSA offers to make Google's tax problems 'go away'

THE US National Security Agency has assured Google it can make its tax problems just disappear into thin air.

As the search giant came under renewed pressure from MPs over the corporation tax it doesn’t pay, the NSA asked the MPs if they were absolutely sure they wanted to do this.

An NSA source said: “Google have been most accommodating to our internet requirements in recent years so we felt it was only fair to map out a mutual back-scratching scenario.

“We call it ‘Operation Blackmail Politicians’.”

The agency has the names, addresses and innermost secrets of all the MPs on the House of Commons Public Accounts Committee and has assigned each member to one of its ‘special operatives’.

The source said committee chair Margaret Hodge and her colleagues must be ‘very brave’, ‘very forgetful’ or ‘very curious’, adding that they were in for a ‘quite a thrill’.

The source added: “Have you ever been in a car that is on fire, out of control and hurtling towards a cliff? Well, if we’re doing our job properly the MPs should feel a bit like that. Especially if you were to fill the car with tarantulas.

“Of course none of this need happen. All that is required is for the committee to remember that we are all on the same side. Our side.

“Every day we spend blackmailing the red hot shit out of them is a day we could probably have spent stopping terrorism and stuff.”