Mars mission to include insane murderous astronaut

THE three-man Mars mission will include one mentally unhinged astronaut.

NASA scientists believe one of the crew is bound to ‘turn evil’, so it is better to know in advance which astronaut it’s going to be.

A NASA spokesman said: “Naturally one of them will start hearing Martian voices, kill one of his crew mates with a spanner during a buggy trip, then try to sabotage the lander.

“Actively recruiting a maniac allows us to control the inevitable rampage. As soon as the first murder happens, we’ll just shut him down.”

34-year-old insane astronaut Tom Booker said: “It’s so great to be headhunted by NASA. I mean, I’ve been turned down for telesales jobs because of my twitchy manner and close physical resemblance to Murdoch from the A Team.

“And a lot of employers don’t like the fact that I burned my neighbour’s house down because he was a ghost. An alien ghost.

“The thing I’m really looking forward to is discovering the ruins of a Martian temple, ignoring my colleagues’ advice not to explore it alone then emerging permanently changed.”

The NASA spokesman added: “Frankly, I miss the days when it was OK to send monkeys into space.

“They never said anything, they looked cute in the uniform and there was less pressure to get them back alive.”

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Bring back drugs, say music experts

RECORD lows in UK drug consumption explain the current music scene, say experts.

Use of narcotics is at its lowest since 1996 when, musicologists have pointed out, The Lighthouse Family’s Ocean Drive was released.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “Being totally munted doesn’t always equate to good music – Dave Gahan was 87% smack at one point and Depeche Mode sound like a Casio keyboard having a midlife crisis.

“But think of clean living, yoga-bothering pop stars. You just thought of Chris Martin, didn’t you?

“A healthy level of drug use ensures the batshit insane can give free reign to their artistic expression, as well as overdosing-off musicians that are starting to get a bit dull.”

An advisory board composed of drug-addled old rock stars has been recommended for artists to use that are struggling with the creative process and want to know what chemicals to start injecting into their groin.

The board could also give production notes for band demos such as ‘needs more ketamine’ or ‘chorus could use freebasing’.

The only drug that has seen an increase in usage is laughing gas, which has surged among middle-aged professionals since the cancellation of BBC1’s My Family.