RAPPER Wiley has been turned into a heifer by the witches of Cumbria.
The irascible musician annoyed the county’s powerful covens by curtailing his set at a local festival then calling Cumbrians ‘witches children’ on Twitter.
Cow Wiley said: “I just woke up in lady cow form, with a big set of udders like a space hopper.
“They did some spells and shit, now I’m a fucking herd animal.
“I’m supposed to be in Napa on a boat party, but customs said I couldn’t leave the country because of foot and mouth. They’re saying I need a special cow passport from the government or some bullshit.”
Cow Wiley has been loaned to a dairy farm in Gloucestershire while his management considers how to appease the witches.
He said: “They’ve got me drinking out of a trough, it’s worse than backstage catering at Glastonbury.
“The place where I am hasn’t even got a name, it’s just a load of meadows and shit. Like I can handle Clissold Park in Hackney but there ain’t any buildings here except barns.
“I got milked yesterday. It was messed up.
“Fuck them and their magic.”
