Archbishop admits he hasn't read bit in Bible about moneylenders

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has admitted that the Bible story of Jesus and the moneylenders is still on his ‘to-do’ list.

As the head of the Church of England announced plans to offer cheaper loans to consumers than Wonga, experts stressed that was not really what Jesus was getting at.

Julian Cook, professor of economic theology at Roehampton University, said: “Jesus stormed into the Temple and turned over the tables of the moneylenders. He was pissed off.

“He didn’t set up his own table next to them and put up a sign saying ‘better deal here’.”

Professor Cook added: “What Jesus was getting at – I think – is that moneylending of all kinds is the work of utter fucking shits.

“What Jesus was getting at – again, just a thought – is that the rich should give all their money away. So perhaps the Church should give all if its money away. Instead of calculating a competitive APR and doing a marketing campaign depicting how happy you could be if you had a dishwasher.”

The Archbishop said: “Which bit’s that? Is it near the beginning? Is it the bit with the fish?

“Admittedly I do pick it up and put it down. I’ve been reading it for about six years now. I’m at the bit with the river and the man – what his name? – John the Baptist.

“Baptist. What does that mean?”

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New app helps straight people meet gay friends

A NEW app for smartphones helps straight men and women identify gay people who are willing to be friends with them.

Str8M8 locates any other phone nearby also using the app and shares key tags like “Available for dinner parties,” or “Into accompanying your wife to Beyoncé,” or “Can get cocaine”.

Creator Tom Booker said: “There are straights out there with a full spectrum of liberal attitudes but no gay friends to give them credibility.

“Meanwhile there are plenty of gay men looking to meet straight friends so they can tell them about all the incredible sex they’re getting.

“With this app, they can hook up discreetly and get completely validated.”

Anyone who makes contact through Str8M8 enters an implicit contract to find the details of each others’ sex lives fascinating and hilarious.

If the hookup is between a straight woman and a gay man, it stipulates that he gives her wise romantic advice, a killer makeover and finds her the man of her dreams within 12-18 months.

Booker continued: “It’s perfect for anyone looking to diversify their friendship portfolio, whether a lifelong Guardian reader or a right-winger who needs a gay friend in order to claim they’re not homophobic.

“Though with those types, we do have an automatic advisory notice warning that they’ll usually end up sucking the gay guy’s dick ‘just to see what it’s like’.”