Archbishop admits he hasn’t read bit in Bible about moneylenders

THE Archbishop of Canterbury has admitted that the Bible story of Jesus and the moneylenders is still on his ‘to-do’ list.

"To be honest, I prefer telly"

“To be honest, I prefer telly”

As the head of the Church of England announced plans to offer cheaper loans to consumers than Wonga, experts stressed that was not really what Jesus was getting at.

Julian Cook, professor of economic theology at Roehampton University, said: “Jesus stormed into the Temple and turned over the tables of the moneylenders. He was pissed off.

“He didn’t set up his own table next to them and put up a sign saying ‘better deal here’.”

Professor Cook added: “What Jesus was getting at – I think – is that moneylending of all kinds is the work of utter fucking shits.

“What Jesus was getting at – again, just a thought – is that the rich should give all their money away. So perhaps the Church should give all if its money away. Instead of calculating a competitive APR and doing a marketing campaign depicting how happy you could be if you had a dishwasher.”

The Archbishop said: “Which bit’s that? Is it near the beginning? Is it the bit with the fish?

“Admittedly I do pick it up and put it down. I’ve been reading it for about six years now. I’m at the bit with the river and the man – what his name? – John the Baptist.

“Baptist. What does that mean?”