Baby named after George Formby, Alexander Graham Bell and Louis Gossett Jnr

THE name of the new royal baby is a reflection of his parents’ deepest passions, it has been confirmed.

Prince George of Cambridge takes his first name from Prince William’s favourite musician, the beloved 1930s entertainer George Formby.

A Kensington Palace spokesman said: “As a keen ukelele-banjo player His Royal Highness regards Formby as a god. He watches his films and listens to his recordings until the early hours of the morning, memorising the words and studying Formby’s mannerisms.

“At formal dinner parties he will perform his steadily improving Formby impersonation and is keen for the entertainer’s life and work to form a central part of the school curriculum.”

The baby is also named after Scottish inventor Alexander Graham Bell to reflect his parents shared amazement at the existence of the telephone.

The spokesman said: “The Duke and Duchess still cannot believe telephones are real. Every time either of them finishes a call they put down the phone, shake their heads and say ‘how on earth did that happen?’.

“When the first smartphone appeared on the market, they both fainted. The Duchess believes Alexander Graham Bell was an extra-terrestrial.”

The baby’s third name, Louis, was chosen because his parents are both huge fans of the American character actor Louis Gossett Jnr.

The spokesman added: “But not for his Oscar winning turn in An Officer and a Gentleman, which they regard as hackneyed. They prefer his performance in Jaws 3-D, which they describe as ‘Battleship Potemkin, but with sharks’.

“The Duke says it could only have been improved if it had a soundtrack by George Formby.”

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I'm sick to the back teeth of hearing about this bloody baby

Dear Holly,

I’m sick to the back teeth of hearing about this bloody Royal baby. Every time I turn on the news, I get bombarded with pointless, fawning commentary on every insignificant detail of the little Prince’s life so far. I am surprised the BBC hasn’t been monitoring and relaying how many times the sprog has shat himself since being born and had it rolling on a ticker under the screen. When is this moronic drivel going to end?

HRH Queen Elizabeth II

Balmoral

Dear The Queen,

Let’s not get bogged down with minor concerns. What we really need to focus on is finding out what happened, exactly, that meant Kate Middleton could walk into the hospital one day with no baby, and come out a few days later with one in her arms. I was watching the web cams outside the hospital and at no point did they allow a stork to enter, so something sinister must have taken place in there. Rumour has it that the baby was actually INSIDE Kate’s stomach, which, frankly, makes me want to puke. But what is even more chilling and grotesque is the thought of how that baby actually came out. Did you see the SIZE of that thing? As far as I am aware there are limited exit points and none of them is anywhere near big enough. Have you seen Alien? Is that what happened? No grown ups will give me a straight answer so I am going to have to Google it. Hopefully David Cameron’s special filter hasn’t come into effect yet.

Hope that helps,

Holly