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Meta glasses giving ordinary spectacle-wearing perverts a bad name

HI-TECH eyewear used to film women without their knowledge is unfairly besmirching normal bespectacled peepers and voyeurs, it has emerged. 

Wearers of Meta smart glasses are following unsuspecting women and uploading humiliating footage to the internet for cash, with the backlash punishing traditional deviants who follow women around for nothing but their own honest entertainment.

Old-fashioned lecher Joseph Turner, wearing NHS spectacles from the 1980s, said: “They accuse me of filming women. Me! Who wants nothing more than to sniff their bus seats!

“Yes, I’m short-sighted. Yes, I wear glasses with comically thick lenses. But when I stand close to a pretty lady and breathe heavily, it’s because I want to actually experience it in the moment not share it online for likes.

“It’s sad, really. These sickos with their secret cameras are turning the simple act of staring at a lone female while rubbing your groin into something weird and creepy.”

Police tech expert Sgt James Bates said: “Meta glasses are a real societal problem. We’re suddenly seeing video evidence of all of these instances of sexual harassment and it’s clear that we’ve got to take action.

“It was so much easier to ignore when all we had was women’s word for it.”

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'£450 is more than enough to retire on': Our financial expert tells you what you want to hear

SICK of financial advisors telling you ideally you should have paid into a pension before you turned 55? Our reassuring advisor Tom Logan explains it will all be fine: 

‘£43.62 is a fortune in free stuff’

If your savings account doesn’t quite hit the £50 mark, stop panicking. The best things in life are free so you’re rich in terms of things like sunsets, being in love and seeing the innocent joy in a child’s eyes. If they’re not enough to sustain you, you’re dead inside.

‘£450 is more than enough to retire on’

Don’t listen to scaremongering claims that you need £300k in a pension fund for a comfortable retirement. You’ll be getting a state pension anyway, so any other cash is a bonus. That’s a Twix a week for a decade, assuming inflation stops immediately. Worth living for.

‘I knew a guy who had £400,000 in the bank, then died’ 

Straight up. Massive heart attack on the Bakerloo line. So consider you could die a hundred ways – a bus, a train crash, cancer, a terrorist attack, a virus, a zoo accident – and wish you’d enjoyed that money instead. It’s actually worse to be torn apart by polar bears knowing you’ve been doing all that scrimping and saving.

‘£50 is plenty for a house deposit’

If you’re in your 20s and want to get on the property ladder, a £50 deposit is fine. Have you seen the price of houses? £280,000 for an unremarkable three-bedroom semi, for f**k’s sake. Even a £10,000 deposit is nowhere near, so in practical terms £50 is just as useful when you’re not buying a house you’ll never be able to afford.

‘Nobody cool has an ISA’ 

ISA just means ‘individual savings account’ and what’s so f**king revolutionary about that? Many banks let you set up a savings account with just £1, so assuming you’ve got £3, open a few. You’re not sharing the account with anyone, so now you have ‘multiple ISAs’ to mention in conversation with other smug twats.

‘Your overheads are low in old age’

At 93 you’re not going to be going out clubbing, paying for a gym membership or buying Lululemon activewear. So long as you can afford electricity for your TV and a few jars of Princes beef paste you’ll be having the time of your life. Senior bingo is free!

‘You can’t predict the future’

Has Martin Lewis got a crystal ball? No, didn’t think so. Your troubled finances might be sorted out instantly by anything from a winning lottery ticket to a distant relative leaving you a big haunted house. When you hit the jackpot you’ll be laughing at these mugs with their ‘financial security’. Mine’s a pint.

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