Millions More Old People Using The Internet Despite Not Liking It

THE number of OAPs discovering the internet, deciding they don’t like it and then continuing to use it anyway has increased, according to new research.

The Office for National Statistics said that in the last 12 months more than two million pensioners have somehow acquired a broadband internet connection that they say they never wanted in the first place, and definitely didn’t order despite what anyone else says.

Writing on his blog, Roy Hobbs, 71, from Grantham, said: “I hate this so-called internet. It’s full of foreigners and queers. The old equivalent of the internet was much better. Whatever that was.”

He added: “It’ll be broken in six months anyway, you mark my words. Unlike my old BSA bike with a dynamo light and back-pedalling brakes that I had when I was a lad, which still works as good as new.

“If you’re interested, I’ve uploaded a short clip of my bike with some Flash animation onto Youtube. That was a waste of time too.”

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said via email: “It’s because of the internet that no one sends letters any more.

“My grandson said I should get it and it’s been nothing but a curse. The other day I was looking for websites about suet and I accidentally typed in ‘pictures of well-set black men with big hard whatsits’.

“You should have seen the filth that appeared.”

Bill McKay, 79, from Doncaster, said: “I’ve changed from dial-up to broadband. Dial-up was much better. I thought the leads brightened up the place, despite having twice tripped over them and having to get the ambulance out.”

He added: “For clarity, I’d just like to add that I don’t care what anyone else thinks.”


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Liverpool Fans Accuse Hodgson Of Raging Sanity

PROTESTORS outside Anfield last night questioned whether Roy Hodgson is mentally unstable enough to manage Liverpool.

As Hodgson becomes the successor to Rafael Benitez’s bid to turn the club into an Hieryonimus Bosch painting, some fans said they have become conditioned to the Spaniard’s psychotic maelstrom.

Head of the Supporter’s Association Wayne Hayes said: “Roy has an endearingly odd speech impediment and we might find he’s a bit of a fusspot due to his age.

“But will he ever insist the players have a City and Guilds certificate in quantum plumbing, or try to sign the letter ‘Y’ from Manchester City for £14 billion?”

Since the end of the Anfield ‘boot room’ era the club has seen a
succession of increasingly deranged managers, with Benitez and Graeme Souness vying to be the Bill Shankly of modern Liverpool psychosis.

Meanwhile experts stressed that many of the fans could be suffering from a form of Stockholm Syndrome, where the victim develops deep feelings of affection for their tormentor.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “I suspect that some will move to Milan to be closer to him, while those left behind are likely to mount an aggressive and passionate defence of all things Spanish or mental.”

He added: “Many of them may even refrain from stealing things when they go on holiday to Magaluf.”

Hodgson said last night: “It’s a really great set-up, though I’m not sure I’ll be needing the padded restraints and the electric head brace.

“And once we’ve de-activated the explosive tripwires in the staff toilets and found a home for the 300 ostriches, we’ll be good to go.â€

But he added: “There have been a lot of concerns raised about the status of my mental health so I want to assure the fans that there is no way I would have taken the job of Liverpool manager unless I was out of my fucking mind.”