Moon Could Support Middle-Class Life, Say Experts

SCIENTISTS have claimed that the moon could support middle-class life forms after the discovery of a crater containing a Pizza Express and an excellent primary school.

The discovery overturns previous assumptions that the moon would be incapable of supporting a quality of life much above that of Weston Super Mare.

Experts now believe that aspirational micro-organisms evolved on the moon over 5 million years ago, progressing quickly from watching lunar WWE Wrestling while eating food from buckets to drinking filtered water and obsessing about CD multi-changers.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We have long suspected a middle-class presence on the moon since Apollo 14 proved it was possible to play golf.

"We believe there could now be a thriving middle-class population existing just below the surface, probably doing web design or public sector arts jobs."

He added: "This will be excellent news for Guardian readers who were concerned about the state of the planet Earth but worried that fleeing to the moon might adversely affect their children's diet and education."

Since the discoveries, upwardly mobile North Londoners have already begun obsessing about lunar property prices and where they can buy really good bread.

Mary Coles, of Finsbury Park, said: "There's so much parking on the moon, minimal crime and no congestion charge. My only concern is that my children, Seamus and Rosie, will develop a moondust intolerance. Their naturopath says it's impossible to tell."

She added: "I intend to fill my days doing zero-gravity pilates and writing a confessional blog about how living on the moon is affecting my periods."

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MPs To Receive Afghanistan Guilt Allowance

MEMBERS of parliament are to award themselves a monthly allowance based on how guilty they feel about under-equipped British soldiers in Afghanistan.

The size of the payments will be linked directly to the number of casualties, with MPs warning that the guiltier they feel, the more money they are going to need.

A spokesman for the Speaker said: "This is about regulating what has been an informal system. In the past, an MP would feel a bit guilty without a receipt and then ask for some free money to cheer himself up.

"But in the wake of public anger over members' expenses it is vital the new system is made transparent and accountable by establishing a formal link between the hellishness of the Afghan war and the comfort of MPs.

"And of course it goes both ways, so if things start to improve in Afghanistan then MPs will get less money because there will be no guilt that needs to blanked out with loads of new stuff."

Labour backbencher, Tom Logan, said: "I used to scoff when my wife talked about 'retail therapy' and how she could make herself feel better by using someone else's money to buy things she didn't need.

"But then I tried it for myself and, I have to admit, it worked like a charm. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't bought this massive television set after reading a report about the lack of armoured Land Rovers in Helmand."

Sir Denys Finch-Hatton, the Tory backbencher whose house looks like Disneyland, said: "I went to Afghanistan last year and met some of our brave troops. It was a sobering experience and I vowed there and then to put in a claim for a series of concentric moats linked by small wooden bridges that were each guarded by a uniformed duck."

Prime minister Gordon Brown said he 'completely understands the motivation' for the guilt-based expenses system, adding: "Throughout the period I have been chancellor and then prime minister, I have been determined to make sure that the MPs serving our country are properly paid, that we make proper allowance for them, that we give them the best equipment and help them in every way possible."