'New Earth' probably full of arseholes

THE ‘New Earth’ has a temperate climate, liquid water and is probably teeming with unbearable arseholes, scientists have claimed.

Latest analysis from the Keppler space telescope suggests the planet is so similar to the Earth there is a strong chance it will support life that is noisy, selfish and woefully ill-informed.

Experts say that if Earth makes contact with the planet, which has been named Keppler 22b instead of something brilliant like Galaxamax or Carlabruni, it would be like two salesmen meeting in a car park.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “There would be an immediate cock-measuring contest followed by a series of worthless boasts, each more pathetic and ridiculous than the last.

“We will try to subtly undermine each other with a display of mutual passive-aggression so weasely and childish that it will make the inventor of the Keppler space telescope want to throw himself in front of a crocodile.

“We will make a series of empty promises and say farewell while thinking what a total fucknut the other one is and then carrying on with our incredibly disappointing lives.”

Astronomers will now study Keppler 22b in greater detail to see if its life forms have cities, roads and the sort of television programmes that in a proper universe would carry the death penalty.

Professor Brubaker added: “We could set up some kind of inter-galactic social network bullshit so that we can trade disturbingly violent opinions about Doctor Who and whatever excruciating piece of shit they have instead of Grey’s Anatomy.”

But Professor Brubaker also stressed that as Keppler 22b is 2.4 times larger than Earth it could easily out-arsehole us in an arsehole war.


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FA Cup sees battle of the giant also-rans

THE FA Cup third round will see an epic battle between players you have never heard of against players who were okay five years ago.

Manchester City’s £2bn worth of odds and ends will face eleven of the mistakes Alex Ferguson never makes at the Etihad stadium, with the winners playing a bunch of third-division no-hopers in a ghastly mauling.

Ferguson said: “A draw like this is exactly what the magic of the cup was all about until we finger-fucked it 12 years ago by not bothering to turn up.

“Our 20%-strength side will give 110% for 80% of the game until one of us is getting shellacked, by which point everyone involved will give 1% of a fuck.”

Roberto Mancini has also pledged to field a similarly-depleted side, promising that the only thing not half-arsed about the match will be the ticket pricing.

Mancini said: “These are the games that really fire up the imagination of the burger vendors and programme sellers and it promises to be an occasion for our financial director to tell his grandchildren about.”

Other ties in the third round will be remunerative fairytales, with Cheltenham facing a magical restructuring of their business loan in an away match to Spurs while Everton’s under-18s will give Tamworth a boost to their medium-term liquidity.

Ferguson added: “As a kid, the FA Cup is the competition players dream about not playing in until the semis because they’re actually good at football.”