THE ‘New Earth’ has a temperate climate, liquid water and is probably teeming with unbearable arseholes, scientists have claimed.
Latest analysis from the Keppler space telescope suggests the planet is so similar to the Earth there is a strong chance it will support life that is noisy, selfish and woefully ill-informed.
Experts say that if Earth makes contact with the planet, which has been named Keppler 22b instead of something brilliant like Galaxamax or Carlabruni, it would be like two salesmen meeting in a car park.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “There would be an immediate cock-measuring contest followed by a series of worthless boasts, each more pathetic and ridiculous than the last.
“We will try to subtly undermine each other with a display of mutual passive-aggression so weasely and childish that it will make the inventor of the Keppler space telescope want to throw himself in front of a crocodile.
“We will make a series of empty promises and say farewell while thinking what a total fucknut the other one is and then carrying on with our incredibly disappointing lives.”
Astronomers will now study Keppler 22b in greater detail to see if its life forms have cities, roads and the sort of television programmes that in a proper universe would carry the death penalty.
Professor Brubaker added: “We could set up some kind of inter-galactic social network bullshit so that we can trade disturbingly violent opinions about Doctor Who and whatever excruciating piece of shit they have instead of Grey’s Anatomy.”
But Professor Brubaker also stressed that as Keppler 22b is 2.4 times larger than Earth it could easily out-arsehole us in an arsehole war.