Putin avoids corruption allegations by deciding result two weeks ago

THE result of Russia’s parliamentary election was decided two weeks ago and then locked in a safe to prevent corruption.

Prime minister Vladimir Putin stressed the result had been approved by an independent advisory committee who were now under his 24-hour protection.

He said: “In order to ensure that there was absolutely no whiff of sleaze or corruption about the independent advisory committee, I appointed this man myself.

“I trust his judgement completely and the fact that he is me simply makes me trust him even more.”

Putin also said the pre-approved drop in support for his own party
showed that Russia was now an advanced country that could arrange
election results in a very realistic way.

He added: “Democracy is far better for everyone if government is as small as possible. Or – in the interests of really keeping costs down – just the one person.

“It is not for me to say who that person should be. But it should be me. And it is.”

Mr Putin is also running for president in March, with the election result expected some time in February.  

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Pandas already drunk

TWO giant pandas were very drunk within 15 minutes of arriving in Scotland, it has emerged.

Tian Tian and Yang Guang are today sleeping off what experts predict will be the first of many hangovers in their purpose built enclosure.

The new stars of Edinburgh Zoo arrived at around 11am yesterday, in time for what local zoologists described as ‘a nice wee sharpener’.

Helen Archer, who was at the zoo with her two children, said: “Tian Tian wasn’t keen at first, saying they had been travelling for 26 hours and could really do with a nap.

“But the zookeeper was very insistent and kept saying ‘have a drink, c’mon have a drink’. It actually became rather menacing.

“Eventually they both said yes to a rum and coke and soon after that you could see the beginnings of a typical Sunday afternoon session.”

She added: “We went off to look at the famous hammered penguins and when we came back an hour later Tian Tian was in the middle of this horrible rant about ‘all they fuckin’ English pandas’.

“I don’t care for the foul language but still, they’re a nice distraction from the steady collapse of western society.”

Meanwhile, the zoo said it was also hoping the pair will become the first pandas in captivity to hate each other because of religion.