New Xbox will revolutionise sitting on your fat arse

MICROSOFT’S Xbox One heralds the dawn of a new era in sitting on your fat lazy backside.

The sleek machine integrates games, on-demand TV and web chat in a package that is being described as ‘ a game-changer for the arse-sitter’ and ‘the pinnacle of inertia’.

A Microsoft spokesman said: “This console combines literally everything you can do while your buttocks are attached to a sofa.

“It redefines what you thought you knew about being slumped listlessly in front of a screen.”

Full-time chair warmer Stephen Malley said: “This is the excuse to be seated my flabby buttocks have been waiting for.

“The voice recognition technology allows me to communicate with the screen, issuing commands like ‘watch TV’, ‘open Internet Explorer’ and ‘get crisps’.

“There’s also a Kinect sensor that allows me to control games with my body movements. Probably I won’t be using that too much.

“Around the world, a lot of arses are going to be seated for a very long time, all because of this beautiful little box.”

However blogger Roy Hobbs said: “Why is there no feeding tube attached to the console, or built-in catheter? It’s high time we had a device that sucked in our urine and recycled it as a life-sustaining vitamin drink.

“Also I want to be a playable character in my favourite TV channels, most notably Babestation.

“I am as inexplicably furious about this piece of technology as only someone with an utterly empty life can be.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The only thing stopping you from going to see The Great Gatsby is the fact that you find Baz Luhrmann films slightly less pleasurable than having your hips nailed to a wolf.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
That Cash Converters advert, where he pays his phone bill by pawning his Macbook, is so realistic. Just like the time you put £20 in the gas meter by pawning your Rolex.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After enjoying Norman Tebbit’s views on sexuality this week, you can’t wait to read Eric Pickles’s thoughts on jogging.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your website, where you debunk the work of people who champion conservationists is online at

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Inspired by the feminist magazine Vagenda, you start your own called Clitinerary.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Save money on buying the new Daft Punk album by not bothering because it’s rotten.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Calling out around the world, are you ready for a brand new beat? Summer’s here so the time is right, for sticking on the heating and wearing a cardie, apparently. Fucksake.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You watched the Xbox 720 launch with interest but be honest, you’re going to sit in front of it like a lab rat for the next six years regardless of what features it has anyway.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Your drinking has reached such levels that your hip flask is now a full-length-leg flask.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You may not think you’re that promiscuous, but compared to the average number of sexual part…look, could you just put that man’s penis down for a second while I explain this to you?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why not shake up your usual routine? Maybe walk a different route to work, try a new place for lunch or brush your sodding teeth?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This horoscope is sponsored by the letter ‘p’, the letter ‘i’, the letter ‘s’, the le…look, just piss off, okay?