Motorists and cyclists unite against pedestrians

CAR and bike owners have agreed that they hate pedestrians.

Representatives from the warring factions of two-wheeled and four-wheeled travellers met last night in an attempt to forge a truce.

They found common ground in a shared loathing of people who walk around.

Motorist Tom Logan said: “I hated cyclists because they don’t pay road tax, are easy to run over because they’re too busy thinking about Joanna Newsome, allotments and ballet to watch where they’re fucking going.

“But when you think about it, all those things apply to pedestrians plus they don’t even contribute to the economy by buying a machine.”

Cyclist Emma Bradford said: “When things are getting sticky on the road I like to ride along the pavement. But it’s literally full of pedestrians, you have to pedal really fast to cut a swathe through them.

“Also what’s the deal with pedestrian crossings? I never stop at them because they’re stupidly at a right angle to the traffic flow, it’s so illogical.”

Lorry driver Stephen Malley said: “These cyclists are ok, a few of them are even heterosexual, or at least bi.

“It’s the ‘foot people’ that are the real enemies of transport and we’ve agreed to work together on their destruction.”

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Gay marriage will affect things that don't matter, reveals Tebbit

GAY marriage could force Britain to read about a newly married lesbian queen opening a hospital, it has emerged.

In an interview with the Big Issue, former Tory chairman Lord Tebbit revealed that he thinks a lesbian queen having a baby via artificial insemination would not simply be a form of entertainment for the particularly bored.

Raising the question of whether the baby would be heir to the throne, Tebbit seemed to be suggesting that the lesbian queen and the baby she conceives with donated sperm will do something other than be handed bunches of flowers.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “As my old dad used to tell me, ‘what in the name of fuck has that got to do with anything, you stupid twat?'”

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, added: “What Lord Tebbit seems to have forgotten is that the most significant thing about a lesbian queen will be her hairstyle.

“Personally, I’d like it to be a Royal Tribute to Elvis.”

Tebbit also revealed that while the legislation will undermine traditional heterosexual incest, it will finally allow him to marry his son.

He added: “He’s a lovely looking boy. I can’t wait.”