UP to a million homes will need special filters to drown out the bragging of 4G phone owners.
The next-generation mobile service will cause those living near media companies and student accommodation to experience interference to their evenings, as people with facial hair stand outside their window braying about how quickly they can download Bon Iver B-sides.
Mobile technologist Wayne Hayes said “The filtering system can cost up to £10,000 to install, which includes the cost of keeping a large, slobbering dog to chase away men in skinny jeans and a sign with a picture of an angry bird with a line through it.
“I’m advising people to keep an eye out for 4G transmitters going up in their area as it’s basically catnip for tosspots.
“Just one relay transmitter can service every man, woman and child that downloads Robin Ince podcasts within a 100 mile radius. It’s a horrifying image.”
Signal-hosting rights will be auctioned next year, with the winner being asked to meet the costs of building vintage clothing boutiques and quirky organic coffee shops in network areas.
East London resident Nikki Hollis said “This used to be a nice area – a bit run down but quite friendly – but ever since the notice went up at the end of my road that they’re putting up one of those masts I haven’t been able to watch telly at all for the sound of some nasal twentysomething shouting ‘amazeballs!’ at his mates all hours of the day and night.
“It seems that what Hitler couldn’t do with a V2 bomb, O2 are going to manage with an iPhone.”