50p tax rate not working, say people desperate to abolish 50p tax rate

THE 50p income tax rate is raising less revenue than the old 40p one, claim wealthy people who should, if they’re telling the truth, be keeping quiet about it.

City dealers, bankers and CEOs say that they’re paying less income tax than ever as a result of the increase, proving themselves to be either secret socialists or lying bastards.

Commodities broker Norman Steele said: “It’s exactly as we predicted during more than two decades of ceaseless campaigning to keep income tax low. The raising of the top rate actually collects less tax, so you might as well drop it back down.

“Now. Now, before my bonus gets paid.”

Right-wing economists have rubbished claims that the City of London’s biggest earners oppose the 50p top rate because it means less money to spend on lobster-based meals.

Financial analyst Susan Traherne said: “The idea that raising tax on people with huge amounts of money will bring in more revenue is laughable. Those people will simply use tax dodges to avoid paying.

“Tax dodges these fanatical money-hoarders never bothered using before because they were happy to lose 40 per cent of their earnings. It’s just that extra 10 per cent that’s pushed them over the edge.”

Futures trader Tom Booker said: “If taxes continue at this ridiculous rate, which is frankly just class warfare, I and my wealth-creating friends will simply move abroad. Somewhere ghastly like Switzerland or the Isle of Man where there’s nothing except goats and boulders.”

Business leader Julian Cook said: “Honestly, you’re hurting nobody but yourselves by doing this. Raise it even higher if you want.

“Go ahead, make the top rate 100p, I don’t care. I’d like that, it’d be good.”



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One woman's week, with Karen Fenessey

I was disgusted by Cher Lloyd’s denunciation of her pop mentor, Cheryl Cole this week. I have always been the world’s greatest champion of younger women and, like Cheryl, have also suffered the inevitable betrayal.

Without wanting to name and shame my protege, let’s just say she’s ginger and appears on Eastenders (for the sake of argument, we’ll call her ‘Spatsy’). I had such big plans for her but instead of being a real woman, Spatsy ran off to have a string of babies and marry the father. She held a christening to which I wasn’t invited. In my rage, I showed up unexpectedly in a dazzling black and purple cloak, hexed the crib and then did my throaty laugh until everyone had gone home.

Under my tactical tutelage, it would have been Spatsy who lovingly carried Kate’s train up the aisle last summer, instead of some Avon lady off the street. But my efforts were thrown back in my face and frankly the whole event was shambolic.

I’m in awe of countries like Africa, who have a policy of not wasting education on buffoons like Spatsy and Cher. This is strategic planning of the kind that our own government woefully lacks – they insist on throwing literacy and numeracy at any old pondlife that wanders into a primary school. It’s a waste of my tax, your tax and Cheryl’s tax. Teaching Spatsy to read was about as useful as these D&G leatherette bed socks I bought last month for my close friend, Whitney.

Cheryl hit the nail right on the head when she tweeted “Be careful who you kick on the way up, they kick you twice as hard on your way back down”. She truly has a way with words and I commend the former Girl Aloud for dreaming up this particularly menacing threat . Physical violence would be totally justified given Cher’s recent allusion to Cheryl’s use of autotune when performing live and we can only hope the teenager is now living in constant fear for her safety.

Bullies like Cher Lloyd should always be kicked. I was so inspired after reading Cheryl’s tweet, I ran down to Albert Square and launched myself at Spatsy, only desisting after my Louboutin heel snapped off in her chin strap. I have never felt so alive.

So go on, girls, kick an eighteen year old today. Because you’re worth it.