Private moon trips to include terrifying secret

PRIVATE trips to the moon will include a horrifying secret that changes everything.

Lunar travel firm Golden Spike said that for the price of the £950m return ticket customers would be made privy to something involving a malign alien intelligence, the Hindu deity Ganesh and the exact date the Earth will be turned into a ball of molten lead.

A spokesman said: “The moon’s great for about 15 minutes, after that it’s basically Stevenage.

“This trip has to be more than just collecting pebbles and feeling incredibly rich. It needs to combine the vast loneliness of space, the claustrophobia of the capsule and a complicated secret that will make you go ‘what in the name of FUCK!'”

Other secret options involve an abandoned lunar base filled with orchids, a five-mile high volcano made of music and a moon cave that had obviously been used by Jesus.

For an extra £20m you can watch as each of your crew mates is killed by a mystery virus, an ‘extra-terrestrial’ spider or the ship’s computer.

And for another £50 million they can be killed by you, safe in the knowledge you will be immune from prosecution after Golden Spike’s in-house psychiatrists confirm you were suffering from ‘space madness’.

The spokesman added: “We think you’ll find that murdering someone with an airlock is actually quite addictive.”



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Britain declared uninhabitable

BRITAIN is unsuitable for human life, it has been confirmed.

Amid blade-like freezing gales that can actually slice your nose off, international aid agencies have offered to evacuate the population using helicopters.

A Red Cross spokesman said: “We want to get as many people out as possible, then we’ll figure out how to distribute them across nicer places, like Spain and Portugal.

“In the meantime, just stay inside. Do not attempt to leave the house or even look out of the window, it’s far too psychologically damaging.”

Stephen Malley, from Doncaster, said: “I’m sure this country is like a giant haunted house, it’s evil spirit trying everything it can to drive us out.”