Pub garden heater only works if you are basically touching it

A PUB’S outdoor heater is only effective if you are standing within a half of centimetre of it, it has emerged.

Researchers investigating a pub’s claim to have a ‘fully heated smoking area’ found that to be bollocks.

Drinker Wayne Hayes said: “They have one of those metal heaters that looks like a science fiction lampshade. If you stand right next to it, it makes your back uncomfortably hot and itchy.

“But if you stand any further away from it, it makes no difference whatsoever.”

Onlookers observed that although the outdoor heater was doing its best, it was surrounded by an awfully large expanse of freezing cold sky.

Hayes said: “It’s a plucky little heater but the landlords are basically asking it to heat up the entire universe.

“It’s good for stubbing fags out on though.”