Pub garden heater only works if you are basically touching it

A PUB’S outdoor heater is only effective if you are standing within a half of centimetre of it, it has emerged.

Researchers investigating a pub’s claim to have a ‘fully heated smoking area’ found that to be bollocks.

Drinker Wayne Hayes said: “They have one of those metal heaters that looks like a science fiction lampshade. If you stand right next to it, it makes your back uncomfortably hot and itchy.

“But if you stand any further away from it, it makes no difference whatsoever.”

Onlookers observed that although the outdoor heater was doing its best, it was surrounded by an awfully large expanse of freezing cold sky.

Hayes said: “It’s a plucky little heater but the landlords are basically asking it to heat up the entire universe.

“It’s good for stubbing fags out on though.”


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Nuttall excited to be soon-forgotten footnote in the history of British politics

NEW UKIP leader Paul Nuttall has pledged to be a forgettable minor player in the overall history of British politics.

Nuttall made the promise at a party conference in the back room of a pub, where there was also a buffet of poor quality triangular sandwiches.

He said” “I promise to be unmemorable, underwhelming and totally pointless in the grand scheme of things.

I’ll also probably be forced out of my current position soon, maybe within a fortnight, because UKIP is bitchier than a group of teenage girls on the back seat of a school bus.

“After which, if you google my name it’ll say ‘Showing results for Nutella’. Then you will forget why you googled me.”

Nuttall then ended his speech by praising the films of Mel Gibson before adding he planned to ‘put the Dead Good back into Dead Good Britain’.

UKIP voter Julian Cook said: “He really is the perfect captain for this surely sinking ship.”