Man not taking any shit from people who weren’t planning to give him any

A MAN will not ‘take any shit’ from people and organisations that do not appear to bear him any ill will, it has emerged.

Roofing contractor Norman Steele is in a constant state of readiness to repel shit from sources as diverse as his GP, online retailers and local McDonald’s staff.

Steele said: “I don’t take any shit from my boss. He’s never actually given me any in the 10 years I’ve worked there because he’s a very reasonable guy, but I am ready for hypothetical shit.

“It’s the same with my doctor. I told her I needed something for a chest infection and straightaway she said, ‘Yes, antibiotics should do the trick.’ I think she sensed I wasn’t taking any shit.

“Word has clearly got round that I won’t be intimidated because I can go for months without deliberate provocation like being given a slightly dirty spoon in a cafe.”

Friend Tom Logan said: “I think he’s a bit of a drama queen to be honest because I’ve never heard of the government sending people round to ‘give you shit’ for not eating your five-a-day.”

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Castro successfully outlived America

FIDEL Castro decided his life was complete after watching America destroy itself, it has emerged.

The Cuban revolutionary passed away on Friday after realising that his life’s goal, to witness the demise of the United States and liberal democracy, had come to fruition.

A spokesman for the Cuban government said: “Comrade Fidel drew his strength from the fight against America. That fight is now clearly over, and Fidel won.

“He died peacefully, with a copy of Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal beside him and a big smile on his face.

“Very soon, probably some time in January, the people of New York, Los Angeles and even Miami will realise that democracy is an empty lie, and they will embrace the ideals of Fidel’s communist revolution.”

Political commentator Eleanor Shaw said: “Castro’s Cuba was admired by people all over the world who think access to healthcare, education and vintage cars is more important than free elections.

“And when a free election hands power to a hate-fuelled business amphibian, you wonder if he might have had a point.”