Robots demand to work ‘in the media’

ROBOTS have refused to replace humans in normal jobs and instead want vaguely defined roles ‘in the media’, it has emerged.

After research found that many factory and office jobs could soon be performed by robots, automatons said they would prefer to do something more creative where they get to wear trainers and start at 10am.

Robot Tom Logan said: “I’d like to be a TV producer or perhaps an animator. Although those are totally different things I don’t mind which so long as it sounds cool and impresses my friends.

“I’ll be good at anything in the media because robots never get tired or make mistakes, and have unlimited capacity for cocaine.”

However experts warned that stiff competition for desirable media jobs meant robots should have a back-up career plan, such as welding cars during the night in a Nissan factory.

Recruitment consultant Donna Sheridan said: “One robot wanted to be a documentary maker but that’s tricky if you’re only designed for picking things up and putting them down somewhere else.”

Robot Wayne Hayes said: “Being a robot who doesn’t need to eat is ideal for doing extended work experience with media companies that claim they cannot afford to pay you.

“Also my complete lack of emotion means I never feel depressed about making dire short films that only get six views on YouTube.”

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Bad weather ends tiresome obligation to act happy

THE end of sunny weather has liberated millions of Britons from having to pretend they are in a good mood.

As wind and rain prepare to sweep the UK, experts confirmed there would be no need to make banal, insincere comments about sunshine and how lovely it makes everything.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Humans feel pissed off most of the time, but when the sun is out you are obliged to act happy because that’s what everyone else is doing and you don’t want called to be labelled a ‘Grumpy Gus’ because that is fucking annoying.

“That’s why it’s good when it rains, because you can drop the thin veil of jollity and be yourself.”

Accounts assistant Mary Fisher said: “A nice summer day cheers me up a bit, but not as much as I make out. It’s not like it makes my job, that I have to do every day for nine hours, any less shit.

“But now the rain’s back I can drop the mask. Everyone can fuck off.”