Rural areas only allowed 1990s internet

PEOPLE living in rural areas can only have the internet of 1999, the government has announced.

Remote regions will be limited to dial-up modems and the choice of Freeserve or AOL in a bid to stop residents suffering severe future-shock.

The communications minister said: “We simply cannot give a crofter in the Western Highlands access to today’s internet of memes, Reddit and streaming video without the risk of brain detonation.

“”These are gentle, sheltered people who need a good 15-20 seconds to contemplate one horizontal slice of a naked woman before the next one is revealed.

“They need to build immunity by browsing an Angelfire webring through Netscape, perhaps hosting their own page on GeoCities with a hit counter at the bottom, before they’’re ready for even MySpace.”

Donna Sheridan of Let Farmers Online said: “”The way these people have been treated is inhuman.

“”To see them pathetically arguing about whether AltaVista or AskJeeves is the best search engine, or spend hours watching a single Metallica song download from Napster, would make anyone weep.

““Let them out of the chatrooms, out of the pink fonts and flashing text that are their sole means of artistic expression, and into our brave new world.””

Sheep farmer Bill McKay of Powys said: “”If there is anything more entertaining in the world than, I don’t want to know about it.”

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How I Met Your Mother probably ended as it must have begun, with sodomy and Nazis

US sitcom How I Met Your Mother last night would have ended as it probably began – with gratuitous anal sex and fascism.
After nine seasons the show revealed how the hero Ted Mosby met his children’s mother before almost certainly reverting to yet another orgy scene where everyone is dressed in SS uniforms.

Martin Bishop, from Peterborough, said: “I never actually watched it so, like everyone else, I assumed its otherwise inexplicable longevity must have been based on sex and Nazis – the two key components of successful television programmes.

“I would be very surprised if How I Met Your Mother had just been year after year of manipulative, sentimental rom-com. Why would anyone keep watching that?

“So no, it was clearly a Nazi fuck-fest and should be remembered as such. Well done to all involved.”