GEORGE Osborne is to use his school and family connections to get everyone into easy, well-paid work.
The chancellor promised to achieve full and cushy employment by calling in personal favours from business leaders with whom he once shared a public school dormitory.
Osborne said: Last night on the news I saw a steelworker from Newcastle who hadnt worked since 1996. I put in a call to a journalist friend of mine and now hes weddings editor at Tatler.
If I open up my contacts book, before long all Britains jobseekers will be gainfully employed as Conservative Party researchers, Spectator columnists and PRs for upmarket fashion websites.”
Former bricklayer Roy Hobbs said: I was watching TV when Michael Gove rang and asked if Id like to be a special advisor at the Department for Education.
I’m on £60k and all I have to do is say ‘Latin for 4-year-olds’ then everybody nods furiously.”
However the chancellor’s plan met a setback when his father refused to employ anyone at his luxury wallpaper factory, on the grounds that they might ‘be as fucking useless as George’.