THE England football team’s new kit is expensive because it is made from a cutting-edge material called PissTake.
A Nike spokesman said: “Our patented PissTake fibres, designed in a space station, draw waste materials out of your skin, hence the name.
“It’s a very special textile with coolants, breathants and also some ventilants. Wearing it, you’ll be the most ventilated you’ve ever been.
“You need expensive shorts too, they’re impregnated with a super-light gonad-protecting alloy which we’ve named Gul-A-Ball.”
13-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I really want this kit. But I’ve worked out I’ll be 43 by the time I’ve saved up enough pocket money, and I might have gone off football by then.”