£90 England shirt made with patented PissTake technology

THE England football team’s new kit is expensive because it is made from a cutting-edge material called PissTake. 

A Nike spokesman said: “Our patented PissTake fibres, designed in a space station, draw waste materials out of your skin, hence the name.

“It’s a very special textile with coolants, breathants and also some ventilants. Wearing it, you’ll be the most ventilated you’ve ever been.

“You need expensive shorts too, they’re impregnated with a super-light gonad-protecting alloy which we’ve named Gul-A-Ball.”

13-year-old Stephen Malley said: “I really want this kit. But I’ve worked out I’ll be 43 by the time I’ve saved up enough pocket money, and I might have gone off football by then.”

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Dutch cricket coach lambasts squad for poor display

HOLLAND cricket coach Peter Drinnen has lambasted his team for only narrowly beating England.

The Dutch squad, which includes three octogenarians, a chimp from Amsterdam zoo and a photograph of Ruud Gullit, took almost eighteen overs to beat England in the Twenty20 tournament.

Drinnen said: “I screamed at the guys for taking so long to run out Tim Bresnan, who’d wandered off to see if he’d left his keys in his hotel safe.

“You can’t complain about the ICC allowing countries like Tuvalu, Andorra and England in to make up the numbers if it takes more than half an hour to beat them.”

England won the toss at their ninth attempt at throwing a coin and elected to field as they were tired from a day’s sightseeing.

England captain Stuart Broad praised his side’s battling performance and assured fans that the day when an English batsman scores fifty in a match will happen in his lifetime.

Following the defeat, the ECB have suggested that an Ashes series set in Amsterdam might be a lot more fun than going all the way to Australia.

Supporter Wayne Hayes said: “If we’re going to get battered by the opposition I’d rather it was a coach ride away and I could watch it while smoking a bifter the size of a Pringles tube.”