SCIENTISTS in the US last night claimed they had created a ‘supercarrot’ with a top speed of nearly 770 mph.
The genetically modified carrot tastes like a summer's day and provides the average person with the strength of ten men and almost a quarter of their daily requirements of riboflavin.
It is self-grating and dicing and can operate as an emergency doctor in earthquake zones or be used as a rapid offshore pursuit boat to rescue dogs swept out to sea by strong tides.
It also contains the destructive power of two atom bombs.
Dr Wayne Hayes, inventor of the new vegetable, said he had built it using old power station parts, a woman, three parsnips, the juice of a whole pig and a carrot.
He said: “It is voluptuous, caring, and sensual but knows its own mind and can produce the most wonderful ham.
“It can correct erectile dysfunction, intervene in the Middle East to promote a two-state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and deflect earth destroying meteorites from their course.
“Or you can just use it to poke Jamie Oliver very hard in the face.”
Bill Mckay, 86, said his life had been transformed after he was given one of the supercarrots as a home help for a month.
He said: “I had a tomato before but it was totally useless. This little beauty cooked all my meals, ran my bath and gave me a relaxing Swedish-style massage every night before bed. But there was no funny business. I’ve got parsnips for that.”