Search Engine Developers Unveil Total Waste Of Time

SOFTWARE developers have unveiled a new search engine that is both highly accurate and a complete waste of everyone's time.

The Wolfram Alpha is a computational knowledge engine that can access and collate trillions of pieces of verified scientific data while at the same time completely missing the point of the internet.

The Wolfram uses complex mathematical equations to deliver search results in response to detailed questions, but has so far been unable to answer everyday web-based enquiries, including: 'So where are all the vaginas? and 'Can I see a photo of a monkey having sex with a cat?'.

Kyle Stephenson, a 15-year old from Doncaster, said: "I type in 'Can I see some Swedish vaginas, please?', hit return and it pulls up a data set revealing the location of every vagina in Sweden.

"I'm then supposed to load this into Excel and superimpose it onto a Google Earth map of Sweden to create a scatter graph in which each dot represents a Swedish vagina."

Stephenson said the technology was impressive before pointing at his groin and adding: "Unfortunately it's just not getting the job done."

Tom Logan, a pub regular from Hatfield, said: "I asked it 'how much secret explosive would the CIA have to plant to bring down Susan Boyle?'.

"I got back a detailed analysis by a Harvard engineer showing how burning aviation fuel could superheat the internal structure of Susan Boyle causing it to buckle and eventually collapse in on itself in what might look, to the untrained moron eye, like a controlled explosion."

A spokesman for Google said last night: "How many years did they spend working on this? Fantastic."

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Rampant Gurkhas Will Chop Your Head Off, Warns Brown

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has warned of large piles of severed heads if thousands of tiny Gurkhas are given the right to live in the UK.

Mr Brown urged MPs to think again after the House of Commons rejected his plans to introduce a height restriction for the fearsome Nepalese soldiers

New Avenger Joanna Lumley said: "The prime minster proposed a completely unreasonable restriction of five foot six inches knowing full well that most Gurkhas are too small to go on the Nemesis at Alton Towers."

Ms Lumley has vowed to continue her campaign of vengeance despite being arrested last week for trying to smuggle 14 Ghurkas into the country under her skirt.

But the prime minister told the House of Commons last night: "They don't mess about. They'll whip out their Kukris and lop your head off soon as look at you.

"They might even stick it on a spike as a warning to others. And they're really, really small which means they can sneak up behind you and before you know it your head is bouncing along the pavement like a dropped melon."

He added: "Don't get me wrong, I have huge respect for the Gurkhas but they are basically Britain's equivalent of Luca Brasi in The Godfather.

"Extremely useful at frightening the bejesus out of people you don't like, but you don't necessarily want them hanging about the house."

A Downing Street spokesman later added: "We've put the country £1.4 trillion in debt, government ministers are chin-deep in sleaze and the cops are beating merry hell out of everyone. We just felt that the obvious next step was to tell thousands of heroic soldiers to go fuck themselves."