Pandemic Obviously Not What You Thought It Was

THE World Health Organisation has confirmed that a pork flu pandemic is now imminent, raising fears that millions of people obviously have no idea what a pandemic is.

As confirmed cases in Europe leapt from probably 14 to possibly 19, officials said the very small number of people infected meant it was vital governments across the world were prepared to use the word 'pandemic' as often as possible.

Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, said: "I thought it was when millions of people were infected, bodies were piled outside cemeteries and doors were daubed with a big, red 'X' to indicate a 'house of the unclean'.

"But then I looked it up and sure enough it said 'Pandemic, noun – 19 people in four different countries, each with a slight temperature and a bottle of Lucozade'. So there you go."

Margaret Gerving, from Peterborough, said: "I thought we'd at least see some tanks on the streets and lots of government agents walking around in those scary-looking biological suits they wore in E.T.

"You know, 'cause they thought E.T. was contaminated with space germs."

A WHO spokesman said: "Just so we're all on the same page, a pandemic actually means that about 100 people in at least three different counties are all suffering from the same condition.

"We use the word pandemic because it's a combination of the ancient Greek words 'pan' meaning 'everyone' and 'demic' meaning 'frighten the absolute living shit out of'."

Julian Cook, from Stevenage, added: "Right. A hundred people. Three countries. Same condition. So that does that mean there's a pandemic of having a small bust of Queen Victoria stuck up your bumhole?"

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New Yorkers Terrified By 80ft Gorilla

NEW York was flung into a state of panic yesterday as thousands of people watched an 80 foot-high gorilla climb the Empire State Building.

The White House later apologised for the incident, revealing that it had simply wanted a nice photograph of the city's population gaping in terror at a giant, furious ape.

The first signs of panic were at 9.30am when office workers were evacuated after a four-foot wide eyeball was seen peering into their meeting room.

Sales manager Bernadette McLintock said: "Josh was just giving us the weekly figures when there was a really strong smell of bananas and faeces.

"The next thing I know, there's this huge monkey nose sniffing the coffee machine. I thought his big hand was going to reach in and grab me, but he went for my friend Carol instead. Skank."

Air Force general Thomas Logan said: "Yesterday's activities were unfortunate but from time to time we will have to carry out anti-monster exercises.

"Through our intelligence sources we know that Al-Qaeda has been trying for months to recruit an enormous ape, with their efforts focused mainly on Skull Island."

Mayor Michael Bloomberg said: "It was insensitive to do this on a date that, while utterly dissimilar to September 11th, shares many of the same letters.

"I'd scrambled half a dozen biplanes before we were told the real situation. Have you tried finding one working biplane? Let alone six? It's incredibly difficult."