Simple townsfolk ask city dwellers to shut the f**k up about Uber

BRITAIN’S townsfolk have asked their sophisticated, city dwelling cousins to just shut it about Uber.

From Taunton in the west to King’s Lynn in the east and Fort William in the far north, the simple denizens of small and medium sized towns have warned that they do not want to hear another word about this frigging taxi app.

Bill McKay, from Shrewsbury, said: “Just stick to twatting about wherever the hell it is you live without filling my newspaper with all this bollocks.”

Susan Harris, from Wetherby, added: “It’s either ‘Oooh, look at me, I’m very trendy with my Uber’, or it’s ‘oooh look at me, I don’t use Uber because black cabs are the very essence of London’.

“Shit. Off.”

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People who don't want children 'missing out on lots of expensive boredom'

PEOPLE who do not want children have been warned they could miss out on huge amounts of expense, boredom and disgust.

Researchers tracked the upbringing of over 10,000 humans over the course of 18 years, using surveillance techniques perfected by the Soviets in the late 1970s.

Dr Julian Cook said: “After the years of turds and vomit, there’s the joyous process of finding a school, worrying about the kid while it’s at school, then dealing with the kid when it’s done badly in school, when it calls you from hospital or when it’s burned down a cricket pavilion.

“After that, you experience immense pride when the kid takes yet more of your money and fucks off to the pub for three years.

“In the midst of all this, there will be a single day out at the beach which does not end in a hellish symphony of blood and tears.”

He added: “Also, it all comes with constant, silent judgement from everyone in the world.

“What are you waiting for?”