Smart car driver overcompensating for his massive penis

THE owner of a Smart car has admitted that the car he drives is overcompensation for his prodigious penis. 

Joseph Turner, from Haringey, confessed he must have chosen the the smallest car on the road because subconsciously he is tired of being known as ‘the guy with the 11-inch wang’.

He continued: “I’m embarrassed of how obvious it must be to everyone else.

“When the lads at work see me deftly manoeuvring it into a tiny parking space with a grin of self-satisfaction, I feel ashamed because I’ve basically given away exactly how much I’m packing.

“I can’t help it. When I’m driving I want to escape, not be in command of some huge, powerful thing that other men envy but is actually more inconvenient than useful.

“I don’t have to thrust out into traffic or overtake everything on the road. I can just pootle along at 60, enjoying being unshowy, diminutive and unconventionally attractive.

“One of my colleagues scratched ‘Joey Trousersnake’ into the drivers’ side wing last week. Men can be so cruel.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Steel worker grateful for chance to finish romantic comedy script

STEEL worker Tom Logan has thanked the government for not saving his job so that he can focus on writing a romantic comedy screenplay.

61-year-old Logan has worked in the steel industry since he was 19, but has always really wanted to write a film about two friends who fall in love while working at a cattery.

He said: “Manufacturing steel is okay, but it’s quite noisy and surprisingly dirty. Anyway I’ve got this great idea for a film that could possibly star Hugh Grant and Jennifer Aniston.

“She runs a cattery but is really disorganised and he’s a posh lonely widower with a moody Siamese. I’m calling it the ‘purr-fect date movie’.”

Logan said that if the government somehow intervened to help steel workers he would not have enough free time to finish the story, which is thus far just at the idea stage.

He added: “I understand that it’s difficult to get a Hollywood film made but weirdly it seems to be a more realistic career choice than processing the raw material from which cars, trains and coins are made.

“If the film doesn’t work out I’ll just write a blog about my sex life called The Molten Hot Lover.”