WEARING a replica football shirt magically gives you the strengths and weaknesses of the team in question, scientists have discovered.
Experiments on fans found that Chelsea shirts make their wearers arrogant but usually successful, Arsenal shirts make their wearers cerebral but ultimately ineffectual, and wearers of Millwall shirts are amazingly gifted at fighting.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Initially, we only sought to find out why men thought they could go down the pub wearing a shiny Christmas paper shirt prominently displaying the logo of a Far Eastern bookmakers.
“But, astonishingly, we discovered that the shirts somehow bestow the qualities of their team on their wearers.
“Manchester City shirts make you incredibly talented but prone to blame your boss for any shortcomings, West Ham shirts give the wearer speed, flair and crippling nostalgia issues, and if you put on a Newcastle United shirt within moments you’re a total fucking mess.
“Unfortunately we’ve been unable to confirm the effect of wearing an Aston Villa shirt, because we’ve not been able to find a test subject willing to put one on.”