Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
This year’s Glastonbury line-up looks great, assuming Madness get three hours and Jake Bugg gets four seconds.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Ever since you bought that orchard you’ve sounded really smug when you asked people whether they like your produce.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
No news from the Oxford English dictionary on your suggestion that three UKIP members having a conversation should be called a ‘twat-trick’.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
The online ads were right: that will be the last pair of slippers you ever buy. If only you’d been more careful when firing up that chainsaw. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you reveal that you’re so hipster, you call London ‘Londinium’. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Tomorrow, Ben Affleck visits your workplace and reads out the pissy emails your colleagues have been sending about that project you’ve been working on for a year, just to see how you like it.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Every Saturday you have to get up at the crack of dawn to play football with woodland animals. That’s your cross to bear.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re thrown out of a furniture shop on Friday when you ask them for an ordinary, standard lamp and they keep bringing you these big tall freestanding things. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your dream of winning the Nobel Prize in Physics was, it turns out during the lawsuit, never rightfully your dream at all. Yours was about an aubergine that wouldn’t take hints.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This weekend, you discover that full song lyrics for pretty much everything are available on the internet. Wow, that’ll really save you a lot of pointless listening. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As ever, this week you should shag a Libra, marry a Gemini and kill a Leo. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You buy a new washing machine and invite some friends around to watch. No talking during the programme. 

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Libraries have terrible business model, says government

LIBRARIES are never going to make money if they dish out books for free, the government has claimed.

New research found that the average user spend per library visit is nothing, prompting ministers to question the validity of the business model.

A government spokesman said: “They deserve to be shut down if they insist on letting people take books, read them and bring them back.

“Libraries should be more like Amazon or Waterstone’s, where you pay a sum of cash for the book then keep it.

“But it appears that every library in history has functioned this way, even the Great Library of Alexandria built in 300 BC was a total failure if you look at revenues.

“It’s like librarians are some sort of communists.”

Librarian Mary Fisher said: “To turn a profit we’d probably need to charge overdue fees of about £1000 per day, which is quite a hike from 2p.”