Society Of The Future May Be Forced To Eat Food

THE people of the future may be forced to eat real food instead of pills, scientists have claimed.

Experts have changed their predictions after new research showed that seeking essential nutrients from a little plastic bottle full of shiny capsules may not be entirely good for you.

Dr Wayne Hayes, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We always assumed the best way to absorb healthy vitamins and minerals was by guzzling little tablets, manufactured by the billion in Taiwan.

"They were made with succulent, natural ingredients such as polyethylene glycol, sodium lauryl sulfate  and chlorophyll.

"Then the whole delicious concoction was given a special coating of something called 'shellac'. If you're the nautical type, you'll know this as 'boat varnish'.

"But, sure enough, you do a little bit of research and whaddya know? It kills you."

Dr Hayes said the jet-pack wearing consumers of the future will now be forced to find time in their superfast, digitally-enhanced schedules to eat cumbersome, gas-powered fruits and vegetables.

He added: "We will now have to design food that looks adequately futuristic. Who's up for a chrome-plated tomato or a banana that plays films?"

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Baldy bastards told to stop being so bald about everything

BALDY bastards were last night told to shut up and stop being so bald about everything.

The move comes after the latest increase in hairless men being particularly bald towards people who do not look like a big, daft egg.

Nikki Hollis, 26, said she was sick of men getting all bald on her every time she and her friends pointed at their bare, baldy heads and laughed at them in the street.

She added: “Did they leave their hair on the bus? I keep mine on top of my head, that way I always know where it is. Stupid baldy bastards.

“If they like hair so much then why don’t they just grow some like any normal person? It’s not exactly difficult. My baby does it, and she’s only six months old.

“They just want to go around being all bald, and then get baldy with us when we point out what baldy bastards they are. Slapheads.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said men who claimed they were bullied at work because of their lack of hair were just being bald for the sake of it.

He said: “Explain this to me. Soon as they start to lose it off the top they start worrying about losing the lot so what do they do? They shave it all off. How bald can you get?

“What’s wrong with keeping a few tufts? And why not dye them orange and wear big, flappy shoes so we can all have a laugh?

“Or what about a wig? The modern ones are really good. No one can tell you’re wearing one. You daft, bald, wiggy bastard.”