SCIENTISTS have been asked to confirm that they definitely said they could make brainguns and if so, when.
Researchers at the Royal Society produced a study into the possibilities of biomechanics, neurochemistry and how, one glorious day, we will be able to kill people just by imagining it.
Carlisle office ballast Wayne Hayes said: “My application to join the army is already in the post, as I’d assumed these unbelievably brilliant new weapons wouldn’t be available to civilians because if they were, the population would be in single digits within a month.
“If I end up squatting in some hellish dustbowl in the middle east with the entire country wanting to kill me it will be more than worth it for the moment I blink at a building and it blows up because I thought it.”
Development of the new weaponry is in the early stages but arms manufacturers have photocopied some pages from 2000AD to help engineers with what it should look like.
Sketches include a cool-looking headset with a glowing eye and the working title of ‘Psinfantry’.
Although the technology relies on weak electrical impulses from the brain being converted into signals for traditional ballistic tracking devices, the military have insisted that users will have to touch their temple with one hand, stretch their other hand out and whisper the word ‘Engage!’ to make it work, on the basis that this will look awesome.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “Isolating the neural paths responsible for decision making is an incredibly complex matter and we want to make sure this thing doesn’t end up killing the user every time he rubs his own eyes.
”So to be honest, having Michael Gove phone us up every 10 minutes asking when he can be an X-Man isn’t helping.”