"Sorry, did you say 'mind-weapons'?” everyone asks Royal Society

SCIENTISTS have been asked to confirm that they definitely said they could make brainguns and if so, when.

Researchers at the Royal Society produced a study into the possibilities of biomechanics, neurochemistry and how, one glorious day, we will be able to kill people just by imagining it.

Carlisle office ballast Wayne Hayes said: “My application to join the army is already in the post, as I’d assumed these unbelievably brilliant new weapons wouldn’t be available to civilians because if they were, the population would be in single digits within a month.

“If I end up squatting in some hellish dustbowl in the middle east with the entire country wanting to kill me it will be more than worth it for the moment I blink at a building and it blows up because I thought it.”

Development of the new weaponry is in the early stages but arms manufacturers have photocopied some pages from 2000AD to help engineers with what it should look like.

Sketches include a cool-looking headset with a glowing eye and the working title of ‘Psinfantry’.

Although the technology relies on weak electrical impulses from the brain being converted into signals for traditional ballistic tracking devices, the military have insisted that users will have to touch their temple with one hand, stretch their other hand out and whisper the word ‘Engage!’ to make it work, on the basis that this will look awesome.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “Isolating the neural paths responsible for decision making is an incredibly complex matter and we want to make sure this thing doesn’t end up killing the user every time he rubs his own eyes.

”So to be honest, having Michael Gove phone us up every 10 minutes asking when he can be an X-Man isn’t helping.”


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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I love the Queen and I am prepared to die for her and the glorious union. This is why I am preparing to kill the infidel, Alex Salmond, who threatens this proud nation with his vile Scotch treachery. I intend to break into his house, put on Alive and Kicking by Simple Minds at full volume, tie him to a chair with pretty tartan ribbon and then force feed him haggis until he bursts. Do you know roughly how long this will take because I have to be at work in an hour?

Dear Sandra
I’m not sure but I do know that my granny is the same age as the Queen so they probably went to school together. I bet if my granny phoned her up, the Queen would invite her round to play at her house and I bet she’d serve up really posh biscuits, like Fox’s Gold Crunch, and you’d have to take your shoes off before going inside Buckingham Palace and the Queen would have a triple bunk bed with a built in flat screen TV and every wall covered in signed pictures of Justin Bieber. But the Queen might regret asking my granny over, because my granny always leaves a strange damp patch where she’s been sitting and she farts really loudly when she bends over. Plus she’d probably take her little dog Bilko along with her and he’d try to hump the corgis with his little red penis and leave a tiny turd in Her Majesty’s slipper. But I’m sure the Queen wouldn’t care, because her corgis are probably always doing jobbies in footwear. And then they’d both go to collect their pensions on the 63 bus and pick up a nice bit of pork luncheon meat for tea and my granny would invite the Queen back to have a go on her electric hoist thingy that lowers you into the bath. I bet the Queen would be so jealous when she saw that!
Hope that helps!