Switzerland To Be Devoured By Black Hole

PEOPLE worried that the world’s biggest physics experiment could destroy the earth were last night reassured that only Switzerland will be obliterated. 

Mini-black holes created in the giant underground Large Hadron Collider in Geneva will devour the landlocked alpine country almost instantly after the machine is switched on later this summer.

However, scientists said the rest of earth would escape unharmed, although a small part of south-east France up to Grenoble could also disappear in the worse-case scenario.

Physicist Dr Wayne Hayes said: "This huge and dangerous machine will recreate the exact circumstances that caused the Big Bang. Switzerland just seemed the ideal place for it.

"We were going to bury it under Vanuatu in the south pacific but then we went there, amazing beaches, and the women, out of this world. So we just run it from here.

"After we turn it on you may hear a slight pop followed by some not unpleasant vibrations, unless you are in Switzerland, in which case be sure you are wearing clean underwear."

Dr Hayes warned that the disappearance of Switzerland into a black hole might cause some minor disruption to holidaymakers in Europe this summer.

He is advising anyone planning a journey in the area to allow themselves more time than usual and to pack warm clothes and plenty of soup.

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Television To Be Controlled By 200 Latent Homosexuals

ALL programmes and adverts shown on British television will have to be approved by a committee of 200 latent homosexuals, it was confirmed last night.

The Independent Television Commission has handed control of standards to a new body made up of men who are openly and publicly disgusted by the idea of all-male intimacy.

The men have already banned a series of adverts which depict two men kissing, hugging or enjoying a friendly wrestling match.

Tom Logan, a committee member from Norwich, said: "No longer will decent British families be subjected to inappropriate scenes that make you feel all strange and uncomfortable in a way you can't quite put your finger on but for some reason you have to go and stand in the garden for 20 minutes and take long, deep breaths and think about football.

"But not David Beckham. Absolutely not. What an ugly bugger he is, eh? He's got a face like a bag of spanners and the rippling abs and glistening thighs of an Olympian."

He added: "Did you know that in ancient Greece all the Olympic athletes used to compete in the nude? Can you imagine anything more repulsive?

"And as for the Spartans, well they may have been superbly sculpted warriors with powerful, glistening thighs and smooth, broad chests, but they were also a bunch of bum boys."