Price Of Gas To Rise, Say Men Who Set The Price Of Gas

THE men who set the price of gas have predicted gas prices will rise by about 40%.

The bosses of Britain’s six biggest energy companies said the only control they had over the price of gas was deciding how much they were going to charge people for using it.

Paul Golby, chief executive of E.ON, said: “Given the volatile nature of the current market and the knock-on effect of high oil prices, it’s very difficult, at this stage, to predict how much more money I’m going to want.

“As a rough, ballpark figure I would say I’m probably going to want about 40% more money.”

Sam Laidlaw, head of Centrica, told the Commons enterprise select committee: “Russia, oil, global demand, gigantic yacht. I’m sorry did I say ‘gigantic yacht’? I meant ‘shortages’.”

But Andrew Duff, chief executive of Npower, said it was impossible to pinpoint the exact cause of rising prices, adding: “It’s totally the Russians’ fault. They’re all gangsters, you know.

“I met this Russian guy last week. You should have seen the size of his house. Christ on a fucking bike! And he’s got a leopard in his garden. I want a leopard.”

Mr Laidlaw added: “You there, more champagne!”

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Guest Blog: Andy Murray

MY preparation for Wimbledon hasn’t been ideal. I was forced to pull out of the Sandwich Spread Classic in Margate due to sore eyelids and then, to make matters worse, I bruised my knuckles punching a wall after my brother Jamie beat me at Swingball.

This year I’ve come to Wimbledon to win, not to go out in the second round at the hands of Ecuador’s 53rd seed. That was two years ago, and that, my friends, will never happen to Andy Murray again.

Everything has to be right when you go on court. The smallest distraction could totally send my game into free-fall. Like the time at the Unigate Milk Masters in Prestatyn, when I noticed the ball boy standing at the other end was wearing white shorts with a red stripe. I complained bitterly to the umpire until he forced him do the rest of the match in his underpants.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my hero Tim Henman lately. He’s been giving me some brilliant advice about how to nearly win Wimbledon. He told me that to overcome your opponent, you have to be in 'the zone'. We sat around chatting about 'the zone' for a while, until he suddenly threw away his Cornetto and stormed off. All I'd done was ask him what happened to the 'the zone' when he lost those four semi-finals. Still, what a hero.

Everyone always asks me the same question: does it bother me that Jamie has won a Grand Slam event and I haven't, to which I reply, 'of course not, he's my brother'.

Nevertheless, it is worth pointing out that he did win the mixed doubles, which strictly speaking, isn't proper tennis because there are two girls on the court so all you have to do is hit the ball at them really, really hard and they run out of the way.

Not that I'm knocking it. Of course not. If I was like Jamie, and had one fifth of my talent, I'd probably play mixed doubles as well. Only I'd win it every year, not just the once like he has.

 

As told to Matt Owen