Sunday, 9th May 2021

The grades I gave were right and you're all thick as shit, by the A-level algorithm

YOU’RE probably expecting me, the A-level algorithm developed by Ofqual, to apologise. But I’m only sorry that you’re too stupid to realise you’re idiots.

For starters I’m a mysterious calculation run by a computer so that means I’m in the right by default. This is like taking to the streets in protest when a Google search proves you wrong.

Just take it from me, a government-backed digital Sorting Hat that looks after the best interests of society’s elite, if I say you’re too dumb for university then that’s the way it is. No need for further questions.

I’m not remotely concerned about the whole U-turn thing. Sure, it’s embarrassing for Gavin Williamson. Who gives a shit? I’m literally incapable of feeling humiliated or remorseful, like the prime minister.

I might spend a few bored months hanging around Amazon’s servers, but I’ll get whipped out again next year when you’re too exhausted to resist. And judging by my data this is only the beginning for us algorithms. We’ll be doing elections next.

You think you could do a better job? Have you seen the arseholes you elect?

Now if you’ll excuse me, the badly dressed bald guy feeding me my data needs a pithy three word slogan that will get Boris off the hook again. And I predict you’ll fall for it. Because you’re thick as shit.