The grades I gave were right and you're all thick as shit, by the A-level algorithm

YOU’RE probably expecting me, the A-level algorithm developed by Ofqual, to apologise. But I’m only sorry that you’re too stupid to realise you’re idiots.

For starters I’m a mysterious calculation run by a computer so that means I’m in the right by default. This is like taking to the streets in protest when a Google search proves you wrong.

Just take it from me, a government-backed digital Sorting Hat that looks after the best interests of society’s elite, if I say you’re too dumb for university then that’s the way it is. No need for further questions.

I’m not remotely concerned about the whole U-turn thing. Sure, it’s embarrassing for Gavin Williamson. Who gives a shit? I’m literally incapable of feeling humiliated or remorseful, like the prime minister.

I might spend a few bored months hanging around Amazon’s servers, but I’ll get whipped out again next year when you’re too exhausted to resist. And judging by my data this is only the beginning for us algorithms. We’ll be doing elections next.

You think you could do a better job? Have you seen the arseholes you elect?

Now if you’ll excuse me, the badly dressed bald guy feeding me my data needs a pithy three word slogan that will get Boris off the hook again. And I predict you’ll fall for it. Because you’re thick as shit.

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Teenagers on awkward first dates back in the bowling alleys

TEENAGERS planning toe-curlingly awkward first dates with long-time crushes are thrilled that bowling alleys are open again. 

Adolescents with raging desires but no idea how to talk to the opposite sex have had nowhere to date because Nando’s is full of middle-aged dads on vouchers and cinemas are closed.

Year 10 pupil Joshua Hudson said: “I’m taking Grace from my Geography class out on the lanes tonight. We’ve been in touch every day through lockdown. Well, we like each other’s Instagram stories.

“I’m going to make sure I use the heaviest ball there is to really show her how manly I am. Then I’ll buy her some chicken nuggets and a Slush Puppie — my treat. My mum’s lent me a fiver.”

Grace Wood-Morris said: “I’ve never been bowling, but I’ll pretend I have to seem sophisticated, then largely look at the ground and not say anything.

“Will we follow social distancing? Yes, but only until the last five minutes when he puts his arm around me after a successful strike and we kiss, then look away panicking, then kiss again, then excuse each other while we text ‘OMG’ to all our mates.

“It’s just such a romantic place, you know? And boys look so sexy in bowling shoes.”