Don’t worry, time is just an illusion, says May

THERESA May has explained that time is merely an illusion and an infinity of moments stretch between now and March 29th, so no problem.

The prime minister, who is in Egypt for an EU-Arab summit which according to her ‘has happened, has yet to happen and will always be happening’, reassured Britain time is not a river flowing one way, but an ocean on which we sail.

She added: “The Article 50 deadline is approaching? I suppose, if you’re only thinking in four dimensions.

“But if you free your mind from the constraints of Western science, you’ll realise that every shining moment exists suspended in eternity.

“Fret not, Remainers: we will always be in the EU. Fear not, Brexiters: we have never been in the EU. Both these things are simultaneously true, without contradiction.

“Now I must go and do what I have already been doing for years without any effect, because my path is pre-ordained and immutable.”

Angela Merkel said: “When you’re talking her, it does seem like a second lasts a trillion years.”