A GOVERNMENT that can barely send an email has unveiled plans to rule the web with an iron fist.
Bolstered by record levels of stunning incompetence the government feels it is ready to exert total control over an enormously complicated and abstract network of lightning-fast electronic information.
A spokesman said: “The internet is just a bunch of computers connected with wire, like a slightly more elaborate version of those baked-bean-can-and-string pretend telephones we used to make as kids.
“So spying on pretty much everything that happens on it will be a piece of piss.”
Civil rights campaigner Nikki Hollis said: “On the one hand, it’s deeply worrying that the government is seeking to create a surveillance culture that encompasses spying on all digital media.
“On the other, that same government would struggle to arrange a children’s party if provided with a clown, a bouncy castle, some children and an unlimited supply of jelly.
“So it’s hard to say whether we should be worried or mildly amused.”