Totally inept losers confident they can lock down the internet

A GOVERNMENT that can barely send an email has unveiled plans to rule the web with an iron fist.

Bolstered by record levels of stunning incompetence the government feels it is ready to exert total control over an enormously complicated and abstract network of lightning-fast electronic information.

A spokesman said: “The internet is just a bunch of computers connected with wire, like a slightly more elaborate version of those baked-bean-can-and-string pretend telephones we used to make as kids.

“So spying on pretty much everything that happens on it will be a piece of piss.”

Civil rights campaigner Nikki Hollis said: “On the one hand, it’s deeply worrying that the government is seeking to create a surveillance culture that encompasses spying on all digital media.

“On the other, that same government would struggle to arrange a children’s party if provided with a clown, a bouncy castle, some children and an unlimited supply of jelly.

“So it’s hard to say whether we should be worried or mildly amused.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman rearranges dishwasher for three hours to avoid washing a mug

A WOMAN spent three hours rearranging the crockery in her dishwasher in a desperate attempt to fit in one more mug.

Marie Hopkins, from Bristol, had just finished loading up all the dirty dishes when she spotted a used coffee mug next to the kettle that had to be cleaned otherwise life would become meaningless.

Hopkins said: “My first port of call was to try to squeeze it in between the other mugs but it wouldn’t fit. Then I attempted to shove it in next to the bowls but that didn’t work either. At this point it had become a pain in my arse.

“I then thought about taking a sledgehammer to the entire bastard. It was very close. And then I decided to just buy a second dishwasher, but it was 1am and I realised I wouldn’t have been able to get a plumber. Or a dishwasher.

“So I ended up taking everything out and putting it all back in again. However, the little piece of shit would still not fit.”

She added: “Anyway, I’ve decided to just sell the house. The new owner can deal with this ghastly mug business.”